The change I'm talking about is the kind of change that is necessary for our continued happiness and progression in our lives. My trainer on my mission, Sister Johanson, taught me a lot about being a missionary, but she also taught me some essential life lessons that I won't ever forget and I am so very grateful for the time we had to be companions.
Shorty after I got to Arizona, Sister Johanson had an epiphany of sorts. She would talk all the time about controlling the controllables in life. We all know that there is much in life that we do not have personal control over. We can no control the choices of others, we can't control the weather, and sometimes, as much as we fight against it, there are trials and circumstance in our lives that we must experience and we don't have control over when or how these come or when they end. But for all the control we don't have other our surroundings, we do have some very powerful things we can control. We can control the time and effort we put into our relationship with our Heavenly Father. We can control the time and effort we put into building our relationships with our family and friends. We really can control how we use our time (even though I tend to make excuses about this one.) But most importantly, in my humble opinion, we can control our attitude! I can control my attitude!
Now, I don't say this as one who knows all, but I say this out of my experience, which although is not vast, I am learning from it. These last 6 months have been a constant struggle, as I have said before. The easiest, most simple way I can explain it, is that it has been a lot like swimming in a very choppy ocean. You know sometimes, the ocean is so calm, and I have often enjoyed floating on the gentle swells of the quiet tide. I have giggled as the soft swells have lifted me off my feet and then tenderly returned my feet to the sturdy ocean floor. I love those kinds of moments in the ocean, but I have also experienced violent waves that don't lift you at all, but instead sucked you under, flipped you all around, until you aren't sure which way is up. I've experienced those waves that not only suck you under once, but every time you seem to find your way to the surface, even before you can suck in the slightest breathe of air, your mouth and nose are filled with salt water as you are again dragged below the raging waves, and your body protests, you want to cough and gasp in hopes of finding fresh air, but you know you can't, because your stuck under the water. When I find myself in those dark moments, I've wondered if I'll ever make it to the surface again.
These last 6 months have been this way for me. A trial would come and I would panic, I'd let my fears and my ragged emotions take control and I would spiral into sadness. That sadness would eventually bring me to my knees, where I would recognize and finally acknowledge that I could not face the waves of trial on my own. And for a short time, I would feel like I had finally reached the surface. I would smile and begin to draw in a glorious breath of fresh air, then suddenly, a monster wave, would drag me down again, and I would allow myself to lose all hope again. I would allow myself to sink, to succumb to the tossing sea of trials, rather than doing something, anything, to try to swim. It was a very dark and lonely place to be.
But then, something inside me changed. I started to consider what steps I could take to regain some control in my life. I realized that I had allowed myself to become the victim of my circumstance. An agent to be acted upon. I realized that I not only didn't want to be in that place, but that I truly had the power to change it. I realized that my Father in Heaven, not only intended me to be an agent to act, but He expected it of me.
So I started considering what changes I should make. Everything that came to mind first were the physical, outward changes, that I talked about yesterday. So made a decision to act on those things. And that simple action seemed to bust the chains that were weighing me down in the sea. I suddenly had power again. It was an incredible feeling. It is a wonderfully, incredible feeling!!
And then on Tuesday I spent some time in the temple and there, in the sacred, quiet House of The Lord, and I was filled with so much hope for a better, happier future. I was reminded of Heavenly Father's perfect plan for each of us and our families. I was reminded of all the blessings He has in store for me. I was reminded that sometimes, we have to wait for things we desire, but if we are patient, and obedient, and trusting, hope will fill our souls and we will inherit more blessings than we could ever imagine, because Heavenly Father wants to bless us. He wants us to be happy. He doesn't enjoy seeing our pain, but that is why He sacrificed His Beloved Son. He loves each of us enough. He loves me enough, to allow His Son to come to this earth, learn a perfect life, and then be rejected by His own, to suffer the agony of all of the innumerable sins, pains, weaknesses, and fears of all of His other children. And if that wasn't enough, Father had to leave His Son alone in His darkest more painful hour, and why? So we would never have to be alone. Our Father and our Savior have truly given everything, so that we might live, and love, and be happy! All of it has been done for our happiness.
I'm thinking about things differently now. I refuse to allow myself to be a victim of my circumstances. I refuse to give up the hope and happiness that my Savior suffered for me to have.
I know that at times, the pounding waves of trial and pain will still beat upon me, but I'm determined to swim. I won't give up and let the trials drown me. I have control over the attitude with which I approach these waves. I have the choice to hold on to the hope my Savior has given me. I have the choice to seek after all the incredible, exquisite happiness and so, I'm changing my attitude.
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