Change...they say it's a good thing...

Ok, so about a week ago, I was at one of my really low points and looking back I realize I was, well, wallowing in my own self pity.  

Let me tell you something about me.  I am INCREDIBLY self conscious.  Like most girls, I am constantly criticizing myself for how I look.  And unfortunately, I let my outward appearance define my own sense of my individual worth, far too often.

There, I said it.  The truth is out!

I have always struggled with my weight.  It's a constant struggle for me,  but, it is something I do have control over.  Since I have been home from my mission, I have gained an extra 20 pounds.  I hate that, and I usually hate it the most, when I'm eating something that I which I know will contribute to rising numbers on the scale, which usually makes me emotional, so I eat more of it, then I hate myself a little more.  It's really a vicious cycle, but one that I have control over.

I have also always struggled with my face.  Don't get me wrong, I love my face.  It's mine and Heavenly Father gave it to me and for that, I am so very grateful, but far too often, I look at my face and wish it were prettier or that my skin was clearer or something else I really shouldn't be wishing for.

These are two very real struggles for me.  I know that the self doubt and self pity and self...whatever...does not come from my loving Father in Heaven, but from Satan.  I heard one time that Satan is jealous of us.  He will never have a body - He will never have eyes or hair or even the extra pounds, so...don't ever listen to his deceptions and lies...He's just bitter.

In my mind, knowing where an influence is coming from seems to help me to make changes to combat those influences.  Knowing that my self-consciousness and low sense of individual worth comes from Satan, gives me extra strength to get past it.  So, last week, when I was wallowing in my self pity of my recently acquired extra, extra weight, and my acne prone skin, I made a decision to control the controllable.

Now, I know very well, that loving yourself doesn't start on the outside, it has to start on the inside, so I promise you I'm working on both fronts, but this post is about my choice to make outward changes.  So, I wanted to share the two changes I have started to make this week.

1.  I am on a prescription weight loss program with my doctor.  I started it yesterday...well actually, I started it for the first time in 2008 and had a lot of success with it, but unfortunately, I did it with the wrong attitude and therefore, when I came off the prescription, I gained all the weight I had lost back, because I never actually made any lifestyle changes.  So now, here I am, 5 years later.  I'm 5 years older and 5 years more mature.  And I am beginning again...actually at about the same weight I was at when I originally started the program, but this time will be different.  I will only be on the prescription medicine for 2 or 3 months, before I go back to school, and so I am using these 2-3 months to make changes.  I will be eating healthier, more balanced meals in smaller, yet still healthy portions.  My goal is to establish new habits while I am on this pill, that I can carry forward for the rest of my life.  Habits that are healthy and still realistic.  I know me, depriving myself of the finer foods in life (like this killer hot fudge sauce http://www.browneyedbaker.com/2012/06/11/homemade-hot-fudge-sauce-recipe/) will never last, so I'm not even going to try, but I can change the amounts of these goodies that I allow myself to indulge in.

2.  I bought new make-up yesterday!  I know this may sound worldly, but it is important to me.  My skin is very oily and acne prone and I don't love that.  For over a year now, I've been using very cheap, very bad for your skin, make up, and I have seen a negative affect on my skin.  Yesterday, I bought bareMinerals.  Why?  Because I'm making healthy changes.  I'm staring to take better care of my skin.  This is a step on my journey to seek happiness.  It might seem little, but it's important to me, and so instead of putting it off, I'm starting now.

So, here's my thoughts for the day.  Yesterday was day one of the physical changes I am seeking to make, and today, I feel empowered.  Empowered enough to start working on my Sunday School lesson (on Wednesday instead of Saturday night!)  Empowered enough to clean my bathroom.  Empowered enough to do the mundane!  Yay!  So, now, I am off.  Off to change.  Off to enjoy the mundane.  Off towards happiness!