So, I have a couple of minutes before I need to leave for institute and I wanted to just take two seconds to share something I realized today.  

The lesson for institute tonight is on 1,2, and 3 John in the New Testament and as I was reading in 1 John, I realized that, at least to me, the overall theme of John's first epistle is that in order for us to truly love God, we have to love others and keep his commandments.  It's really just that simple.  John said over and over that it's not enough for us to just say we love God, because if we say we love Him, but then hate our brothers or fail to keep His commandments, then we're liars.  So, in my mind, I saw this little circle of love:

And what I learned/realized is that if any part of this circle is broken or missing, then we really don't know or love God and that would be really sad, because He loves us so much.  John says in 1 John 4:19, "We love him, because he first loved us." And in 1 John 4:8-10, John goes on to teach:

He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.

In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might alive through him.

Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

In the atoning sacrifice of our brother and Savior, is the purest love of our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ.  Father loved us enough to send his Son, to suffer and bleed and die, so that we might have the opportunity to return to Him and all He asks in return is that we keep his commandments and love one another.  This gives me a renewed desire to love and lift others.  It gives me a renewed desire to be a better friend, a better daughter, a better person, so that others might see the love of our Father and our Savior in the way I treat others.

Tender Mercies

So, you'll never guess what today is.  I'd say guess, but you'd likely not guess correctly, so I'll just tell you.  Today marks exactly six months since I returned home from my mission.  These last six months have been hard.  Hardly a day has passed when I haven't missed my mission, but I feel like things are finally turning around for me.  I've had a lot of things made clear to me over the last couple of days and I finally feel like I'm on the path of true change and happiness.

So, with today marking 6 months since my return, it was truly a tender mercy when my phone rang tonight.  I did not recognize the number in the caller ID so I declined the call, hoping whoever was calling would leave a message

If it was important.  It didn't take long for a voicemail notification to come through and as I listened to the message, my heart jumped for joy and I hurried to retune the call!  Within a couple of minutes, I got to talk to Elsa and Jim, two of the people I taught on my mission who became very dear to me!  I just love them so much and they had called simply because they had thought of me and wanted to tell me they loved and missed me.  It just made my whole day and their

call could not have come on a better day. It just warmed my whole soul to talk to them and I am so grateful for their lover and support as well as the love and support of my Father in heaven, who I truly believe inspired that phone call.

Focusing on the joy in the journey, that's why I started this blog.  The last couple days have been hard.  I have felt a lot of the frustration and anxiety and fear that I have been trying to get out of my life and I have had a hard time figuring out why I was all of a sudden overwhelmed by these feelings again, when I had had a really great week.  And I think I've figured it out.

I had this brilliant plan to control the controllables and change my attitude.  I had planned to keep a positive perspective and look for the great things in my life, but in making this new goal, I forgot to consider how I would respond to the things I have no power to control.  Instead of resolving to continually seek joy, I resolved to become a control freak.  I tried to control the uncontrollables and then, when I came up unsuccessful there, I allowed myself to lose the positive perspective and peace I had gained.  I was on the right track, but I missed some of the follow through.

But, as hard as these last couple of days have been, I think I am grateful for them, because they have helped me to realize that I still have a lot to learn.  Early last week, when I made the decision to make these changes, I felt such peace.  I was happy and excited and that was a great feeling.  After five days of feeling good about life, I let Satan start whispering to me that it couldn't possibly last.  And I let myself start giving into those lies.  One thing I have realized, is that anytime we are trying to make a positive change in our lives, Satan is going to be there, trying to pull us down.  Opposition is part of life and knowing that, should help me to prepare myself better.

That makes me think of a learning experience I had on my mission.  I was companions with Sister Baggett and she had been reading in Alma, in the war chapters and she shared something with me that she learned in her personal study.  It comes from Alma 49.  In this chapter, the Lamanites are getting ready to attack the Nephites.  It says in verse 6, that the Lamanites had great numbers in their armies and they had prepared themselves for battle with shields and breastplates and think clothing to protect their skin and because of their preparations, they thought they would easily be able to defeat the Nephite cities and bring them into bondage.  It's interesting to note here, that the Lamanites had not always prepared themselves for battle like this.  They used to show up to war in nothing more than loinclothes, but they learned from the Nephites, that there was more they could do to prepare.  So, while the Lamanites are preparing themselves in the way they had seen the Nephites prepare before, the Nephites are preparing in a far greater way and when the Lamanites approached the first city, it says in verse 8, "But behold, to their uttermost astonishment, they wereprepared for them, in a manner which never had been known among the children of Lehi. Now they were prepared for the Lamanites, to battle after the manner of the instructions of Moroni."  Then it goes on to say that the Lamanites were "exceedingly astonished" so they decided to skip attacking that city and move on to the city of Noah, which had been known to be a weak city and they thought it was the next best place to attack.  And the Lamanites, before they left the first city were so angry that they declared an oath that they would destroy the city of Noah.  But little did they know all the preparations the Nephites had been making.  As the Lamanites started to attack the city of Noah, they couldn't even get into it, but since they had sworn an oath to destory it, they tried anyways.  And what happens next, I think is very profound.  Listen to what happens in verses 18-23:

 18 Now behold, the Lamanites could not get into their forts of security by any other way save by the entrance, because of the highness of the bank which had been thrown up, and the depth of the ditch which had been dug round about, save it were by the entrance.

 19 And thus were the Nephites prepared to destroy all such as should attempt to climb up to enter the fort by any other way, by casting over stones and arrows at them.

 20 Thus they were prepared, yea, a body of their strongest men, with their swords and their slings, to smite down all who should attempt to come into their place of security by the place of entrance; and thus were they prepared to defend themselves against the Lamanites.

 21 And it came to pass that the captains of the Lamanites brought up their armies before the place of entrance, and began to contend with the Nephites, to get into their place of security; but behold, they were driven back from time to time, insomuch that they were slain with an immense slaughter.

 22 Now when they found that they could not obtain power over the Nephites by the pass, they began to dig down their banks of earth that they might obtain a pass to their armies, that they might have an equal chance to fight; but behold, in these attempts they were swept off by the stones and arrows which were thrown at them; and instead of filling up their ditches by pulling down the banks of earth, they were filled up in a measure with their dead and wounded bodies.

 23 Thus the Nephites had all power over their enemies; and thus the Lamanites did attempt to destroy the Nephites until their chief captains were all slain; yea, and more than a thousand of the Lamanites were slain; while, on the other hand, there was not a single soul of the Nephites which was slain.

The Nephites, now they were prepared.  They did everything they could to prepare their city for attack.  They put up walls of eartth and dug ditches and fortified the weakest places in their city so that those places became strong.  And what did their preparations do?  It forced the Lamanites to attack only at the entrance of the city, where they just happened to put their strongest, most capable men.  And what happened to the Lamanites?  They failed!  Many of their men and all of their captains were killed.  But the Nephites were protected and none were killed.

Now, this is what Sister Baggett realized and helped me to learn from this story.  Satan wants to attack us and ultimately destory us.  He knows our weaknesses.  In fact, he knows our strengths too.  Like the Lamanites, He sees our strengths (armor and sheilds) and he tries to use them against us.  And those weaknesses, He thinks those are pretty easy targets, so that's where he likes to focus his attacks.  But, what happens, if we fortify ourselves?  What happens if we are continually consulting with the Lord on ways we can make our weaknesses strong?  What happens if we are fortifying our Spirits by being in the scriptures daily?  What happens if we are repenting and trying to change each day?  What happens then?  Then we are prepared, like the Nephites were prepared.  Then, Satan will have no choice but to attack us at our entrances and when he gets there, we'll be prepared.

Does that mean once we're prepared, the battles ahead will be easy?  No.  Does it mean that we won't get tired of Satan's attacks?  No.  Does it mean we won't have a really hard day every once in a while?  No.  Does it mean that once we are fortified and strong we can take a break?  No.  But it does mean that we will survive.  It does mean that we will be able to find peace in our Savior.  It does mean that we will be stronger.  It does mean that we, with the Lord's help, can win this battle with Satan.  And that gives me hope.

Life right now is hard.  It's hard for all of us.  But, for me, remembering this story from the Book of Mormon makes me realize that there is so much to fight for.  I might have fears and trials now, but they're all worth the fight.  This life, while full of hard things, is meant to prepare us to receive all the blessings of our Father in Heaven.  There will be good days and there will be bad days, but everything we are learning now, is preparing us for something more.

There's nothing better...

...than, walking out of work to see a beautiful sunset.

On my mission, I had the most incredible experiences of my life!  I had never known such pure and real and lasting happiness, but there were definitely days when I just didn't feel adequate or when things hadn't gone as I would have hoped or even days when I was just so tired I didn't think I could keep going, and without fail, every night I felt like this, I'd look up and there would be the most perfect sunset.  As if someone had painted it in the sky, just for me.

Those moments still bring peace to my heart, because to me, at the end of those long, hard, and sometimes painful days, I could see the hand of my Lord, His work, clearly painted in the sky as if to say, "Audrea, I love you.  I could tell you needed to remember that tonight, so I painted the sky, just for you. So you would know, that I care about you and love you more than you will ever really know."

I'm home, now and many aspects of my life have changed since my mission came to a close, but I am thankful to say that I know Heavenly Father still paints the sky for me.  

My sunsets have taught me that President Monson was right when he advised Elder Carl B. Cook that, "it is better to look up!"  And so, I hope, that when you need a reminder from Heaven that you are loved, that you too will look up and see the painted sky and know that Father did it for you.

Keeping things in perspective...

I'm on the team member shuttle heading into work at Universal. I work 5pm-12:30am and let's just say, it's not my idea of fun Friday night plans.

But! In keeping with my goal to look for the positive in life and keep things in perspective, I want to share with you two things I truly love about my job!!!

1) I have to wear either a baseball cap or a visor anytime I work! While I am not generally a fan of hats or visors, these little accessories to my uniform free me from the compulsive urge to wash, blow dry, straighten, and/or style my hair that I am generally faced with when I go out in public! Instead of primping for close to an hour, I either throw my hair up (wet) into a too knot bun thingy or some kind of simple braid! Today I'm sporting a pony turned fishtail braid! Easy peasy!!!

2) I have to change into my uniform at work, so I can wear whatever I want into work!  Yes, this too allows me the freedom to spend less time getting ready for work and more time doing more important things! Instead of having to care for my uniform at home, I get to change into a clean, freshly laundered, neatly pressed uniform once I arrive.  And that means, I don't have to rummage through my closet for something to wear that makes me feel cute!  I can go for comfort all the way!  Case in point? Work out shorts, a t-shirt, and flip flops!

Well, the shuttle is arriving at wardrobe now, so I must rush off to don the khaki pants and jungle shirt that constitutes my lovely uniform.  Wish me luck!!!

Attitude is the paintbrush that colors every aspect of our lives...

As I mentioned yesterday, I hear change is good thing. And even in just the past few days, as I have been putting an effort into changing the things I have control over in my life, I think I'm beginning to agree. Now don't get me wrong, I don't love all change, but that's another story for another day.

The change I'm talking about is the kind of change that is necessary for our continued happiness and progression in our lives. My trainer on my mission, Sister Johanson, taught me a lot about being a missionary, but she also taught me some essential life lessons that I won't ever forget and I am so very grateful for the time we had to be companions.  

Shorty after I got to Arizona, Sister Johanson had an epiphany of sorts.  She would talk all the time about controlling the controllables in life.  We all know that there is much in life that we do not have personal control over.  We can no control the choices of others, we can't control the weather, and sometimes, as much as we fight against it, there are trials and circumstance in our lives that we must experience and we don't have control over when or how these come or when they end.  But for all the control we don't have other our surroundings, we do have some very powerful things we can control.  We can control the time and effort we put into our relationship with our  Heavenly Father. We can control the time and effort we put into building our relationships with our family and friends. We really can control how we use our time (even though I tend to make excuses about this one.)  But most importantly, in my humble opinion, we can control our attitude!  I can control my attitude!

Now, I don't say this as one who knows all, but I say this out of my experience, which although is not vast, I am learning from it.  These last 6 months have been a constant struggle, as I have said before.  The easiest, most simple way I can explain it, is that it has been a lot like swimming in a very choppy ocean.  You know sometimes, the ocean is so calm, and I have often enjoyed floating on the gentle swells of the quiet tide. I have giggled as the soft swells have lifted me off my feet and then tenderly returned my feet to the sturdy ocean floor. I love those kinds of moments in the ocean, but I have also experienced violent waves that don't lift you at all, but instead sucked you under, flipped you all around, until you aren't sure which way is up. I've experienced those waves that not only suck you under once, but every time you seem to find your way to the surface, even before you can suck in the slightest breathe of air, your mouth and nose are filled with salt water as you are again dragged below the raging waves, and your body protests, you want to cough and gasp in hopes of finding fresh air, but you know you can't, because your stuck under the water.  When I find myself in those dark moments, I've wondered if I'll ever make it to the surface again. 

These last 6 months have been this way for me. A trial would come and I would panic, I'd let my fears and my ragged emotions take control and I would spiral into sadness.  That sadness would eventually bring me to my knees, where I would recognize and finally acknowledge that  I could not face the waves of trial on my own. And for a short time, I would feel like I had finally reached the surface.  I would smile and begin to draw in a glorious breath of fresh air, then suddenly, a monster wave, would drag me down again, and I would allow myself to lose all hope again. I would allow myself to sink, to succumb to the tossing sea of trials, rather than doing something, anything, to try to swim.  It was a very dark and lonely place to be.

But then, something inside me changed. I started to consider what steps I could take to regain some control in my life.  I realized that I had allowed myself to become the victim of my circumstance. An agent to be acted upon.  I realized that I not only didn't want to be in that place, but that I truly had the power to change it. I realized that my Father in Heaven, not only intended me to be an agent to act, but He expected it of me.

So I started considering what changes I should make. Everything that came to mind first were the physical, outward changes, that I talked about yesterday. So made a decision to act on those things.  And that simple action seemed to bust the chains that were weighing me down in the sea.  I suddenly had power again.  It was an incredible feeling.  It is a wonderfully, incredible feeling!!

And then on Tuesday I spent some time in the temple and there, in the sacred, quiet House of The Lord, and I was filled with so much hope for a better, happier future.  I was reminded of Heavenly Father's perfect plan for each of us and our families. I was reminded of all the blessings He has in store for me. I was reminded that sometimes, we have to wait for things we desire, but if we are patient, and obedient, and trusting, hope will fill our souls and we will inherit more blessings than we could ever imagine, because Heavenly Father wants to bless us. He wants us to be happy. He doesn't enjoy seeing our pain, but that is why He sacrificed His Beloved Son.  He loves each of us enough. He loves me enough, to allow His Son to come to this earth, learn a perfect life, and then be rejected by His own, to suffer the agony of all of the innumerable sins, pains, weaknesses, and fears of all of His other children.  And if that wasn't enough, Father had to leave His Son alone in His darkest more painful hour, and why? So we would never have to be alone.  Our Father and our Savior have truly given everything, so that we might live, and love, and be happy!  All of it has been done for our happiness.

I'm thinking about things differently now. I refuse to allow myself to be a victim of my circumstances. I refuse to give up the hope and happiness that my Savior suffered for me to have. 

I know that at times, the pounding waves of trial and pain will still beat upon me, but I'm determined to swim. I won't give up and let the trials drown me. I have control over the attitude with which I approach these waves.  I have the choice to hold on to the hope my Savior has given me.  I have the choice to seek after all the incredible, exquisite happiness and  so, I'm changing my attitude. 

Change...they say it's a good thing...

Ok, so about a week ago, I was at one of my really low points and looking back I realize I was, well, wallowing in my own self pity.  

Let me tell you something about me.  I am INCREDIBLY self conscious.  Like most girls, I am constantly criticizing myself for how I look.  And unfortunately, I let my outward appearance define my own sense of my individual worth, far too often.

There, I said it.  The truth is out!

I have always struggled with my weight.  It's a constant struggle for me,  but, it is something I do have control over.  Since I have been home from my mission, I have gained an extra 20 pounds.  I hate that, and I usually hate it the most, when I'm eating something that I which I know will contribute to rising numbers on the scale, which usually makes me emotional, so I eat more of it, then I hate myself a little more.  It's really a vicious cycle, but one that I have control over.

I have also always struggled with my face.  Don't get me wrong, I love my face.  It's mine and Heavenly Father gave it to me and for that, I am so very grateful, but far too often, I look at my face and wish it were prettier or that my skin was clearer or something else I really shouldn't be wishing for.

These are two very real struggles for me.  I know that the self doubt and self pity and self...whatever...does not come from my loving Father in Heaven, but from Satan.  I heard one time that Satan is jealous of us.  He will never have a body - He will never have eyes or hair or even the extra pounds, so...don't ever listen to his deceptions and lies...He's just bitter.

In my mind, knowing where an influence is coming from seems to help me to make changes to combat those influences.  Knowing that my self-consciousness and low sense of individual worth comes from Satan, gives me extra strength to get past it.  So, last week, when I was wallowing in my self pity of my recently acquired extra, extra weight, and my acne prone skin, I made a decision to control the controllable.

Now, I know very well, that loving yourself doesn't start on the outside, it has to start on the inside, so I promise you I'm working on both fronts, but this post is about my choice to make outward changes.  So, I wanted to share the two changes I have started to make this week.

1.  I am on a prescription weight loss program with my doctor.  I started it yesterday...well actually, I started it for the first time in 2008 and had a lot of success with it, but unfortunately, I did it with the wrong attitude and therefore, when I came off the prescription, I gained all the weight I had lost back, because I never actually made any lifestyle changes.  So now, here I am, 5 years later.  I'm 5 years older and 5 years more mature.  And I am beginning again...actually at about the same weight I was at when I originally started the program, but this time will be different.  I will only be on the prescription medicine for 2 or 3 months, before I go back to school, and so I am using these 2-3 months to make changes.  I will be eating healthier, more balanced meals in smaller, yet still healthy portions.  My goal is to establish new habits while I am on this pill, that I can carry forward for the rest of my life.  Habits that are healthy and still realistic.  I know me, depriving myself of the finer foods in life (like this killer hot fudge sauce http://www.browneyedbaker.com/2012/06/11/homemade-hot-fudge-sauce-recipe/) will never last, so I'm not even going to try, but I can change the amounts of these goodies that I allow myself to indulge in.

2.  I bought new make-up yesterday!  I know this may sound worldly, but it is important to me.  My skin is very oily and acne prone and I don't love that.  For over a year now, I've been using very cheap, very bad for your skin, make up, and I have seen a negative affect on my skin.  Yesterday, I bought bareMinerals.  Why?  Because I'm making healthy changes.  I'm staring to take better care of my skin.  This is a step on my journey to seek happiness.  It might seem little, but it's important to me, and so instead of putting it off, I'm starting now.

So, here's my thoughts for the day.  Yesterday was day one of the physical changes I am seeking to make, and today, I feel empowered.  Empowered enough to start working on my Sunday School lesson (on Wednesday instead of Saturday night!)  Empowered enough to clean my bathroom.  Empowered enough to do the mundane!  Yay!  So, now, I am off.  Off to change.  Off to enjoy the mundane.  Off towards happiness!

Where my story starts...

Now the joy of Ammon was so great even that he was full; yea, he was swallowed up in the joy of his God, even to the exhausting of his strength; and he fell again to the earth.  Now was not this exceeding joy? Behold, this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of happiness.                               -Alma 27:17-18

While I was serving an 18-month mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I came across this scripture, that I have quoted above, from the Book of Mormon.  For most of my life I have always heard that happiness is a choice.  We choose to be happy or we choose not to be, but in my life happiness has not always been that easy for me to "just choose" and I struggled with that idea, until I came across this scripture.  

In context, Ammon, a man of God, and a missionary, has been out sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ with those who didn't believe.  He was preaching to the Lamanites, a group of non-believers that persecuted the Nephites (the believers.)  They would murder the Nephites, simply because they believed, but as Ammon taught them of Jesus Christ, and of His unceasing love and mercy, their hearts were softened and they became converted.  They turned to God to repent of their many sins and upon feeling the healing power of God's forgiveness, they made a promise to God that they would never again pick up their weapons of war, theat they might not fall back into their prior sins.  They changed their name and called themselves the Anti-Nephi Lehi's.  Well, it didn't take long for the other Lamanites to turn against these new converts and they came to attack them.  Ammon, knowing the promise the Anti-Nephi Lehi's had made to never again pick up a weapon of war, pleaded with the King to bring his people to live with the Nephites.  Understandably, the King was very hesitant to go live with the Nephites, because before they had become converted they had killed many of the Nephites, but eventually the King agreed, that if it was the will of the Lord, they would go live with the Nephites, so Alma prayed to God and received the answer that the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's should indeed go to the Nephites.

Well, Ammon, had a very good friend, Alma, who he hadn't seen in some time, and as Ammon led the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's to the Nephite city, he was reunited with Alma.  And that is were this scripture comes in.  Ammon was so happy to be reunited with his friend Alma, and to see that he was still strong in the faith, that his happiness literally consumed his physical strength and he passed out.

Now, if you're like me, when I first read that, I kinda laughed to myself.  I thought, what kind of happiness would be that intense, that it would cause you to pass out.  Well, right after having that thought, I read the very next verse, and the meaning was so clear to me, in that moment, that I want to share it again.  Alma 27:18 reads:

Now was not this exceeding joy? Behold, this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of happiness.      

It was as if the writer just knew that thousands of years after writing this, some silly girl would read the previous verse and ask that exact question.  And then, this was the profound part for me.  He answered my exact question.  Yes indeed, there is a joy that is so great, but this kind of joy is only found by those who are truly penitent and humbly seeking happiness.  It was that one word, "seeking" that caught my attention.

All my life, I have wanted real and pure and lasting happiness, but it was never like a light switch for me.  I struggled to try to "choose" it.  But seek happiness?  Well, that changes things.  To me, seeking, implies a journey.  It means to go out and look for something.  To me, it encompasses the good and the bad, the ups and the downs.  To me, it meant that I could FIND happiness even if I couldn't just flip an internal switch.  And so, this my friends is the reason I have started this blog.

I am on my journey of seeking happiness in every single day.  

I have been home from my mission now for almost 6 months.  I miss my mission every single day.  Sometimes, it's all I can do to not just break down and cry as I long for that time in my life, but my very wise mission President, gave me some sage advice as I sat in his office, two days before I was to return home.  He said to me, "Sister Orton, it has to end.  It's part of the plan for you to return home."  And so, as hard as it was to leave my full time mission behind, one chapter of my life came to a close and another began.

These past 6 months have been some of the hardest of my life.  I have struggled daily to find purpose to my life.  It took me almost 5 months to get a job and once I did find a job, it was not one I wanted, in fact I kind of hated it.  I have struggled to find the peace and joy I had as a representative of my Savior.  I have struggled to keep the righteous routines and holy habits the mission helped me to develop.  I have struggled to retain the sense of individual worth I had finally found.  I have struggled much more than I ever expected to when I got home and it sent me spiraling into an emotional black hole.  A hole, I didn't know how to get out of.  I thought I had lost all happiness, that I wouldn't be able to find the same peace again, but then, I was reminded of the journey I should be on continually, to SEEK happiness.  I was reminded, that happiness doesn't always fall into our laps when we want it to,  I was reminded, that as hard as life can get sometimes, there is still joy to be found.  There is always joy to be find.

So, this blog, this is going to be my way of recording my journey.  It's going to be my way of acknowledging the joy that I find in my life, and it is my hope, that if anyone out there reads this, that they too can find joy in their journey, as hard and dark and dismal as life can seem sometimes, I KNOW there is joy to be found, but action is required.  And today, I am choosing to act.