Some Things I've Learned About the Elusive Thing Known as "Happiness"

Over the last several months I have struggled with absolutely everything.  I was miserable all the time.  I felt alone in a crowd.  Lost and confused all the time.  I felt like I had forgotten how to make friends.  I felt like I didn't know who I was.  I felt like I wasn't receiving answers to my prayers and worst of all, I was beginning to lose faith that my Heavenly Father had a plan for me.

The day I realized that my faith in Father's plan for me was wavering, I knew something had to change.  It terrified me to think that it was possible for me to doubt something so important to me and while I never doubted the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, I feared that letting any doubt fester could (and would) become catastrophic if I didn't do anything about it.   So, I began asking for help.  It wasn't hard, it wasn't scary.  It was just two small and simple steps.  I went to my Bishop to ask for council and I went to a professor for study tips.  Those two small acts of humility resulted in more change than I ever expected.  I feel like I have gained control over my life again, in some small part.  The changes I have experienced have not been earth shattering changes.  Not much about my situation has changed aside from the fact that I am happy! In just the last few weeks, I have learned a lot about happiness that I never really understood before.

First, it's OK to be happy even when things aren't going your way!  Over the last several months, I have felt like nothing was going the way I thought it should.  I had this vision in my mind of how things would change when I moved to Provo.  I would make all sorts of new friends, I would get back to school and I would love my classes.  I might even get to go on a few dates.  I thought moving to Provo would make everything better because I KNEW I was supposed to come to BYU.  I prayed about whether coming to BYU was the Lord's will for me.  I prayed about where I should move once I got here and what job I should accept.  I prayed for opportunities to date and make friends.  With all that praying, I just figured everything would work out just how I envisioned it, especially because I received some very direct guidance about where to move and work.  Well, when nothing happened the way I expected it to it became very easy to let doubt and discouragement color my attitude.  I fell into a dark place and I couldn't see any way to be happy because everything I wanted most eluded me.  And, if I'm being honest, there were times when I felt like there was no possible way to be happy with how things were going for me.  I thought that happiness could only come when I had the things I thought I needed.  And the more time that passed without those blessings, the more improbable the potential for happiness seemed to become.

Well, over the last three weeks, I've been happy.  So happy actually.  I'm still not dating.  I'm still trying to make friends.  Classes are still hard.  In fact, I've had some new and unwelcome struggles I have had to work through.  And while I still don't have everything I thought I needed to be happy, I have found happiness in the love I can feel from my Heavenly Father.  Suddenly, I began to see how the Lord has been with me every step of my journey, even when I couldn't see it.  And that, in and of itself is reason to be happy.

The second thing I have learned about happiness is closely tied to the first.  Enjoying happiness in the moment is not settling.  For a long time now, I have put off happiness and felt like I had to hold on to my misery and pain because I things weren't going my way yet.  In some skewed way, I believed that if I allowed myself to be happy, it would mean I was settling for less than what I desired.  That idea actually sounds silly now that I am writing it down, but I truly believed it for a long time.  Just because I am happy right now does not mean that I have given up on the blessings I long for.  In a way, I think allowing ourselves to be happy when it's hardest to find reasons to is an incredible way to show gratitude for all of the blessings our Heavenly Father has given us.  I was taught something on my mission that I will never forget.  I learned that it is possible to be happy without being satisfied.  When we are happy we acknowledge the good in our lives, but we should be seeking for more than being satisfied.  Satisfaction can be so finite.  Satisfaction often leads to stagnation.  So, by all means, be happy!  Happiness is not stagnation or settling!  Happiness has the power to help us move forward, to take the steps necessary to attain and become more!

While allowing ourselves to be happy now is not settling for less than we desire, it is also important to remember that there really is no golden ticket to happiness!  The first time I heard this idea was in President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk in October 2011, entitled "Forget Me Not."  In this talk, President Uchtodorf related the story of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  All of the people in the story were so fixated on finding the golden ticket, that they forgot to enjoy the chocolate that they used to love.  Instead of treasuring the delicious treats they had in their hands, they were filled with disappointment and frustration every time they opened a chocolate bar and did not find a golden ticket.  Instead of finding joy in the moment, they began to believe that they could only be happy once they had a golden ticket in hand.  For a long time, that is exactly what I did.  I had my list of my own personal "golden tickets" and I believed that I could truly be happy only when I had received those things I desired.  Boy was I wrong.  This life is a journey.  It is going to be full of ups and downs, but if we are determined to only be happy in the up moments or when we receive our "golden ticket," we are waiting so much.  Which actually leads me to the next thing I have learned about happiness.

Happiness is a choice, but it is also a journey.  I have heard all my life that happiness is a choice; you have to choose to be happy and you will be.  I have never subscribed to that idea.  In my mind, that sentiment makes me think of a light-switch and I have always felt that I can't just switch happiness on and off like a light-switch.  Some people can, but that scenario has not been my experience.  Instead, I have always seen happiness as a quest.  Something to seek in our journey through life.  Lately, my perspective has changed and rather than seeing happiness as either a choice or a quest, I have realized it is a little bit of both.  I don't think we will always be able to see reasons to be happy right off the bat, but when we choose to seek happiness on our journey through life, we will find it.  Maybe we will find it as we receive our golden tickets, but more likely we will find it in the day to day moments.  In the sunset, painted in the sky just for you or in the accomplishments of someone you love.  Maybe you will find it in a smile from a stranger or an opportunity that arises to serve someone else.  Maybe you will find it in the most unlikely places, but I guarantee that when you have made the choice to look for it, you will find it.  Happiness is an emotion but I believe it is also an action.

Perhaps the most important thing I have learned about happiness is that our Heavenly Father really does desire our happiness and He absolutely has a plan for each of us that is tailored to bring us optimal happiness!  It hurts my heart to think that I ever doubted Him, but it brings me incredible joy to realize that He never doubted me.  I think that sometimes, we think we've hit our breaking point before we actually do.  We often under estimate ourselves, but because God is more than an omnipotent overseer...because He is truly our Father, He knows what we can do and at the times when we feel like we're falling, He helps us soar.  Trials are an inevitable part of our mortal existence.  We won't make it through this life unaltered by pain and hardship.  It's simply not possible, but the trials we face are meant for our good.  We learn things we may not have learned otherwise.  We are prepared for so much more than we can ever imagine.  Our lives are not unguided.  He knows what we need to experience in order to attain eternal happiness with Him, but our eternal happiness is not His only concern.  He wants us to find joy and happiness in this journey.  He wants us to feel loved.  He wants us to succeed.  And so, I've learned (and am continuing to learn) that when we feel most alone in the world, He is always there.  Sometimes, we can't see His hand.  Sometimes, we can't hear His voice.  Sometimes, we just don't see the whole picture.  Even in our darkest moments, He is there, often carrying us.  In the moments when we can't seem to find a reason to hope for something better it is easiest to give up, but when we choose not to quit and to take one more step then we ever thought was possible, we will always see that the Lord has been there and is guiding us.  That is happiness to me.  When we learn to see him guiding us with infinite and eternal love and compassion.

Life is not perfect, but it is meant to be enjoyed.  This life is hard and it is scary, but it is also beautiful.  Happiness is real and it is attainable.  I am grateful for the things I have learned about happiness and am looking forward to continue finding joy in this journey.  I have been amazed at how happy I have been  lately.  I am under no illusions that life will not continue to be hard, but the things I am learning now are preparing me to become the daughter I want to be.  If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me.  I know I am long-winded, but I wanted to share these things because they have helped me so much and I felt like I really needed to share these lessons.  So, thank you for reading and thank you for being you!

Oh!  I almost forgot one last thing I've learned.  Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy shoes...and shoes...shoes make me happy!

Attitude is the paintbrush that colors every aspect of our lives...

As I mentioned yesterday, I hear change is good thing. And even in just the past few days, as I have been putting an effort into changing the things I have control over in my life, I think I'm beginning to agree. Now don't get me wrong, I don't love all change, but that's another story for another day.

The change I'm talking about is the kind of change that is necessary for our continued happiness and progression in our lives. My trainer on my mission, Sister Johanson, taught me a lot about being a missionary, but she also taught me some essential life lessons that I won't ever forget and I am so very grateful for the time we had to be companions.  

Shorty after I got to Arizona, Sister Johanson had an epiphany of sorts.  She would talk all the time about controlling the controllables in life.  We all know that there is much in life that we do not have personal control over.  We can no control the choices of others, we can't control the weather, and sometimes, as much as we fight against it, there are trials and circumstance in our lives that we must experience and we don't have control over when or how these come or when they end.  But for all the control we don't have other our surroundings, we do have some very powerful things we can control.  We can control the time and effort we put into our relationship with our  Heavenly Father. We can control the time and effort we put into building our relationships with our family and friends. We really can control how we use our time (even though I tend to make excuses about this one.)  But most importantly, in my humble opinion, we can control our attitude!  I can control my attitude!

Now, I don't say this as one who knows all, but I say this out of my experience, which although is not vast, I am learning from it.  These last 6 months have been a constant struggle, as I have said before.  The easiest, most simple way I can explain it, is that it has been a lot like swimming in a very choppy ocean.  You know sometimes, the ocean is so calm, and I have often enjoyed floating on the gentle swells of the quiet tide. I have giggled as the soft swells have lifted me off my feet and then tenderly returned my feet to the sturdy ocean floor. I love those kinds of moments in the ocean, but I have also experienced violent waves that don't lift you at all, but instead sucked you under, flipped you all around, until you aren't sure which way is up. I've experienced those waves that not only suck you under once, but every time you seem to find your way to the surface, even before you can suck in the slightest breathe of air, your mouth and nose are filled with salt water as you are again dragged below the raging waves, and your body protests, you want to cough and gasp in hopes of finding fresh air, but you know you can't, because your stuck under the water.  When I find myself in those dark moments, I've wondered if I'll ever make it to the surface again. 

These last 6 months have been this way for me. A trial would come and I would panic, I'd let my fears and my ragged emotions take control and I would spiral into sadness.  That sadness would eventually bring me to my knees, where I would recognize and finally acknowledge that  I could not face the waves of trial on my own. And for a short time, I would feel like I had finally reached the surface.  I would smile and begin to draw in a glorious breath of fresh air, then suddenly, a monster wave, would drag me down again, and I would allow myself to lose all hope again. I would allow myself to sink, to succumb to the tossing sea of trials, rather than doing something, anything, to try to swim.  It was a very dark and lonely place to be.

But then, something inside me changed. I started to consider what steps I could take to regain some control in my life.  I realized that I had allowed myself to become the victim of my circumstance. An agent to be acted upon.  I realized that I not only didn't want to be in that place, but that I truly had the power to change it. I realized that my Father in Heaven, not only intended me to be an agent to act, but He expected it of me.

So I started considering what changes I should make. Everything that came to mind first were the physical, outward changes, that I talked about yesterday. So made a decision to act on those things.  And that simple action seemed to bust the chains that were weighing me down in the sea.  I suddenly had power again.  It was an incredible feeling.  It is a wonderfully, incredible feeling!!

And then on Tuesday I spent some time in the temple and there, in the sacred, quiet House of The Lord, and I was filled with so much hope for a better, happier future.  I was reminded of Heavenly Father's perfect plan for each of us and our families. I was reminded of all the blessings He has in store for me. I was reminded that sometimes, we have to wait for things we desire, but if we are patient, and obedient, and trusting, hope will fill our souls and we will inherit more blessings than we could ever imagine, because Heavenly Father wants to bless us. He wants us to be happy. He doesn't enjoy seeing our pain, but that is why He sacrificed His Beloved Son.  He loves each of us enough. He loves me enough, to allow His Son to come to this earth, learn a perfect life, and then be rejected by His own, to suffer the agony of all of the innumerable sins, pains, weaknesses, and fears of all of His other children.  And if that wasn't enough, Father had to leave His Son alone in His darkest more painful hour, and why? So we would never have to be alone.  Our Father and our Savior have truly given everything, so that we might live, and love, and be happy!  All of it has been done for our happiness.

I'm thinking about things differently now. I refuse to allow myself to be a victim of my circumstances. I refuse to give up the hope and happiness that my Savior suffered for me to have. 

I know that at times, the pounding waves of trial and pain will still beat upon me, but I'm determined to swim. I won't give up and let the trials drown me. I have control over the attitude with which I approach these waves.  I have the choice to hold on to the hope my Savior has given me.  I have the choice to seek after all the incredible, exquisite happiness and  so, I'm changing my attitude. 

Where my story starts...

Now the joy of Ammon was so great even that he was full; yea, he was swallowed up in the joy of his God, even to the exhausting of his strength; and he fell again to the earth.  Now was not this exceeding joy? Behold, this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of happiness.                               -Alma 27:17-18

While I was serving an 18-month mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I came across this scripture, that I have quoted above, from the Book of Mormon.  For most of my life I have always heard that happiness is a choice.  We choose to be happy or we choose not to be, but in my life happiness has not always been that easy for me to "just choose" and I struggled with that idea, until I came across this scripture.  

In context, Ammon, a man of God, and a missionary, has been out sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ with those who didn't believe.  He was preaching to the Lamanites, a group of non-believers that persecuted the Nephites (the believers.)  They would murder the Nephites, simply because they believed, but as Ammon taught them of Jesus Christ, and of His unceasing love and mercy, their hearts were softened and they became converted.  They turned to God to repent of their many sins and upon feeling the healing power of God's forgiveness, they made a promise to God that they would never again pick up their weapons of war, theat they might not fall back into their prior sins.  They changed their name and called themselves the Anti-Nephi Lehi's.  Well, it didn't take long for the other Lamanites to turn against these new converts and they came to attack them.  Ammon, knowing the promise the Anti-Nephi Lehi's had made to never again pick up a weapon of war, pleaded with the King to bring his people to live with the Nephites.  Understandably, the King was very hesitant to go live with the Nephites, because before they had become converted they had killed many of the Nephites, but eventually the King agreed, that if it was the will of the Lord, they would go live with the Nephites, so Alma prayed to God and received the answer that the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's should indeed go to the Nephites.

Well, Ammon, had a very good friend, Alma, who he hadn't seen in some time, and as Ammon led the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's to the Nephite city, he was reunited with Alma.  And that is were this scripture comes in.  Ammon was so happy to be reunited with his friend Alma, and to see that he was still strong in the faith, that his happiness literally consumed his physical strength and he passed out.

Now, if you're like me, when I first read that, I kinda laughed to myself.  I thought, what kind of happiness would be that intense, that it would cause you to pass out.  Well, right after having that thought, I read the very next verse, and the meaning was so clear to me, in that moment, that I want to share it again.  Alma 27:18 reads:

Now was not this exceeding joy? Behold, this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of happiness.      

It was as if the writer just knew that thousands of years after writing this, some silly girl would read the previous verse and ask that exact question.  And then, this was the profound part for me.  He answered my exact question.  Yes indeed, there is a joy that is so great, but this kind of joy is only found by those who are truly penitent and humbly seeking happiness.  It was that one word, "seeking" that caught my attention.

All my life, I have wanted real and pure and lasting happiness, but it was never like a light switch for me.  I struggled to try to "choose" it.  But seek happiness?  Well, that changes things.  To me, seeking, implies a journey.  It means to go out and look for something.  To me, it encompasses the good and the bad, the ups and the downs.  To me, it meant that I could FIND happiness even if I couldn't just flip an internal switch.  And so, this my friends is the reason I have started this blog.

I am on my journey of seeking happiness in every single day.  

I have been home from my mission now for almost 6 months.  I miss my mission every single day.  Sometimes, it's all I can do to not just break down and cry as I long for that time in my life, but my very wise mission President, gave me some sage advice as I sat in his office, two days before I was to return home.  He said to me, "Sister Orton, it has to end.  It's part of the plan for you to return home."  And so, as hard as it was to leave my full time mission behind, one chapter of my life came to a close and another began.

These past 6 months have been some of the hardest of my life.  I have struggled daily to find purpose to my life.  It took me almost 5 months to get a job and once I did find a job, it was not one I wanted, in fact I kind of hated it.  I have struggled to find the peace and joy I had as a representative of my Savior.  I have struggled to keep the righteous routines and holy habits the mission helped me to develop.  I have struggled to retain the sense of individual worth I had finally found.  I have struggled much more than I ever expected to when I got home and it sent me spiraling into an emotional black hole.  A hole, I didn't know how to get out of.  I thought I had lost all happiness, that I wouldn't be able to find the same peace again, but then, I was reminded of the journey I should be on continually, to SEEK happiness.  I was reminded, that happiness doesn't always fall into our laps when we want it to,  I was reminded, that as hard as life can get sometimes, there is still joy to be found.  There is always joy to be find.

So, this blog, this is going to be my way of recording my journey.  It's going to be my way of acknowledging the joy that I find in my life, and it is my hope, that if anyone out there reads this, that they too can find joy in their journey, as hard and dark and dismal as life can seem sometimes, I KNOW there is joy to be found, but action is required.  And today, I am choosing to act.