"It seems clear that the essence of our duty and the fundamental requirement of our mortal life is captured in these brief phrases from any number of scenes in the Savior’s mortal ministry. He is saying to us, 'Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going,' He says, 'we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness,' He promises. 'I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.'"This touched my heart and awakened a realization that maybe the reason the heavens had seemed so silent recently was because I wasn't walking where my Savior was going. I was holding onto what I wanted and thought was best for my life rather than allowing Christ to guide me down the path he desired for me. I was kicking against the pricks rather than following him willingly. This realization paired with the experienced I have been having over the last several months has led me to a desire to follow him in a way I never have before, while taking control of my life and seeking change that will help me become the best me I can be. I want to share part of this journey with you in this post.
For those of you who know me well, you probably already know that I have always struggled with self-esteem issues and have most often defined my worth by how others view me. I know I am not alone in this challenge, but I feel like there comes a point in our lives where we have to learn some really hard lessons that, while extremely painful, help us learn who we really are and what we are really worth. It just so happens that my time to learn these lessons has spanned over the course of the last 10-12 months and while the painful experiences that are helping me to learn these lessons are not over, I am finally experiencing gratitude for them.
So, for those of you who don't know me as well, here's a little background information about me. I'm 26 years-old. I have always struggled with my weight. I have never had a boyfriend or really even had any guys express interest in me beyond "just friends." These things combined have almost always been my standard of defining my worth and to put it simply, it has NOT been a healthy way to gauge my value. In my mind, me being overweight was the reason guys were never interested in me, and if no guys were ever interested in me, well, I must be pretty worthless. And because of these feelings of worthlessness, I have always told myself that I couldn't do the things I really wanted to do because I wasn't talented enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't smart enough, or I wasn't thin enough. I let my fears completely rule my life.
But last year a series of events began to unfold that would lead me to break down many of my own walls, which had been built and fortified over the years by self-hate and fear. It has been an incredible journey, but it hasn't been without its casualties. My heart has been broken, more than once, maybe even shattered. I found myself, many times, experiencing internal agony, pain which nothing of this world could ease. But that pain only served to drive me into the arms of my Savior. I found myself on my knees pleading that He take the pain away and I even found myself angry with him when no relief seemed to come, frustrated and hopeless when the heavens seemed to remain silent, but I'm learning now, through the pain, that Christ was always there trying to comfort me, I just wasn't in a place where I could listen.
I believe it was around February of last year that I got this hair-brained idea that I wanted to run a 5K. I decided that I didn't want to let my fears and poor body image keep me from doing exciting new things, like hiking with friends over the summer, and that running would be a good way to help change my body so I would feel comfortable doing those things. So, I started running 3 times a week with a couple of friends. This was huge for me. I was taking control of changing things about me that I didn't like so that I could become better. And I am pleased to say I did three 5K's last year. I didn't run them in their entirety, but I improved every time I did one. And, I got to go hiking and found a new love of the outdoors, so that brought huge strides of progress into my life. But, while this was a time of great growth for me, it was still motivated by a need for external validation.
Then, several months ago I made some new friends. I found myself wanting to push myself outside of my comfort zone to do things with them because I thought it would make them like me more. In a lot of ways these were good experiences because they awakened within me a desire to stop allowing fear to control my life, but in some ways they weren't good because I wasn't changing me for the right reasons. My biggest focus was still on what they would think of me rather than simply improving myself to become all that I could be. Some of these experiences led me to experience very real and very painful heartbreak, while other experiences buoyed me up. The sum total of these experiences though, led me to realize that I am a daughter of God, with incredible worth and I deserve to be loved and appreciated for who I am. I realized that the only way anyone else can ever see my real worth is if I can see it, and the only way I can truly see my worth is through my Savior's eyes. And that was huge for me.
I realized that it doesn't matter that I'm 26 years old and guys have never been interested in me. What matters is that my Father in Heaven knows and sees my worth. What matters is that I use this life to become the best me I can be. What matters is that I strive daily to develop my relationship with Father in Heaven and my Savior. What matters is that I find joy in my journey and experience all that life has to offer. And as I do these things and strive to develop and learn to love me, then regardless of my waist size or my relationship status, I will know my worth. And that will change everything.
Now, this revelation would be pointless if I didn't back up my increased knowledge with action. So, what am I doing now that I know I am a valued and beautiful and talented daughter of God? I am rocking life! I am focusing on improving my health (physical and mental) by taking care of my body. I am counting calories and going to the gym 5-6 days a week. Not because if I lose weight others will see me differently, but because as I lose weight I will gain confidence in the gifts and talents I have been given. I am letting go of my inhibitions and doing the things I want to do. I'm going on a road trip in February and a cruise in May. Things I've wanted to do for a long time, but was too afraid to allow myself to do. I have a new and incredible hunger to try new things, which led me to take a skiing class this semester and an outdoor activity class next semester. I am trying to improve my scripture studies and my prayers. I am trying to get to know new people. I am trying to become the best me I can be, while loving myself and appreciating my own worth now.
I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves me enough to allow me to experience pain when He knows it will help me to become all He sees I can be. I am grateful that I am learning that the only validation that really matters in this life comes from a loving Father who wants us to see what He sees. I am grateful that I am learning this now so I can help my future children to internalize these truths while they are young. I am grateful for my Savior and for his sacrifices that I may experience real healing. I am grateful for the love and support of family and friends who have seen my worth even when I can't and I am grateful for this life.
No comments:
Post a Comment