The Parable of the River

Ok, guys, since the last time I wrote SO much has changed!  Or, nothing has changed depending on your perspective.  Nothing about my situation has really changed.  School is still hard, work is the same, I'm still not dating anyone, and I am still 2,500 miles away from home.  But, here is the beautiful part.  I have changed.  I have been happier over the last two months than I have been since my mission.  It’s really pretty incredible!  My attitudes and perspectives have changed, my faith in the plan that Heavenly Father has for me has grown and I am happy. 

But, being happy doesn't mean that trials don’t still come.  Being happy doesn't mean that everything is all rainbows and sunshine all the time.  Last weekend and this weekend have presented new trials for me and I feared that the happiness I have been developing would shatter.  I've cried.  I've felt hurt.  I have felt lonely.  All of these things remind me of where I was only a few short months ago.  A place I never want to return to.  I feared that because I was experiencing trials again that meant my short tryst with happiness was gone.

Thankfully, I was wrong.

I went for a walk this afternoon, to clear my head and pray.  I ended up sitting on a rock by the Provo River.  The talk I had been listening to ended and I sat in silent prayer talking to my Heavenly Father.  I started to feel better and got up after a while to continue my walk and as I did, I watched the river and I saw it with new eyes.  The river taught me something today that I hadn't previously considered.  I call this lesson “The Parable of the River.”  I know the name isn't very original, but that’s ok.

As I sat on the rock looking out over the river, this is what I saw.  

I saw water rushing over lots of rocks.  The water was shallow here and there were many rocks in the path of the flowing water.  I was impressed that the water was moving so quickly over the turbulent surface.  As I moved further up the river, I noticed an area where there were no rocks.  The water flowed smoothly, unhindered by rocks or debris.  This is portion of the river, the water still moved swiftly, but nowhere near as quickly as it has been moving just a little ways down with all the rocks in the path.

I was impressed by the idea that the river flowed more swiftly over obstacles than it did when it’s path was unhindered.  I got thinking about the trials we all face in life and compared my life to that river.  In life, I think it is easy to want our trials to go away, to want our journey through life to be smooth and calm.  I’ve always thought I’d be happier if that was the case, but as I watched the river today, I realized that it is the rocks, or trials, we encounter that speed our progression.  Just like that river, if we go too long in life without facing a trial or two our forward progression will slow and eventually stop.  We will become stagnant and unable to become anymore than we currently are.  It is the trials in our life that give us forward momentum. 

I had always assumed that we were given breaks from trials, periods of calm and peace, to help us recover from the turbulence we face in the midst of hardship, trial, and learning processes, and in a way, I still think that is true, but I've also realized that we need breaks from the calm to begin to gain momentum in our progression again.

As I continued to walk along the river, I saw small areas where the flow of water was unhindered, but by and far, the majority of the river had to course over rocks and boulders.  As I continued along, I came to this:

Here, I saw the most turbulent water, but it was also the place where the water gained most of its power and momentum.  It gained the strength to move forward over calm and rocky spots alike.

Sometimes in life, we face major trials that rock our world.  Sometimes they make us question our testimonies.  Sometimes we feel so battered and broken afterwards that we can’t see a way to go on.  Thankfully, these types of trials are fewer and further between, but these trials are the ones that help us to grown and change the most, that prepare us for the pitfalls and stumbles and falls we will inevitably face.  These trials are the ones that push us through the calm phases of life that we love and need. 

The river taught me today that trials are necessary to continue to move forward.  If my happiness had not been tried these past couple of weekends, it would have died on its own.  It would have become stagnant and useless, but now because it has encountered a couple of rocks and bumps, it has gained momentum and I can continue to enjoy my happiness as I continue to learn and grow.

I know that trials aren't exactly fun, but they are necessary and because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ we have been given the tools we need to endure in happiness.  I know Jesus Christ lives and he is my personal Savior and friend.  I know that Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of my needs and desires and He has a plan that is centered on helping me to gain eternal happiness.  I know that God lives and He love me.  I see it is the river, in the mountains, in the trials, in my friends and family, and always in the sunsets.

Some Things I've Learned About the Elusive Thing Known as "Happiness"

Over the last several months I have struggled with absolutely everything.  I was miserable all the time.  I felt alone in a crowd.  Lost and confused all the time.  I felt like I had forgotten how to make friends.  I felt like I didn't know who I was.  I felt like I wasn't receiving answers to my prayers and worst of all, I was beginning to lose faith that my Heavenly Father had a plan for me.

The day I realized that my faith in Father's plan for me was wavering, I knew something had to change.  It terrified me to think that it was possible for me to doubt something so important to me and while I never doubted the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, I feared that letting any doubt fester could (and would) become catastrophic if I didn't do anything about it.   So, I began asking for help.  It wasn't hard, it wasn't scary.  It was just two small and simple steps.  I went to my Bishop to ask for council and I went to a professor for study tips.  Those two small acts of humility resulted in more change than I ever expected.  I feel like I have gained control over my life again, in some small part.  The changes I have experienced have not been earth shattering changes.  Not much about my situation has changed aside from the fact that I am happy! In just the last few weeks, I have learned a lot about happiness that I never really understood before.

First, it's OK to be happy even when things aren't going your way!  Over the last several months, I have felt like nothing was going the way I thought it should.  I had this vision in my mind of how things would change when I moved to Provo.  I would make all sorts of new friends, I would get back to school and I would love my classes.  I might even get to go on a few dates.  I thought moving to Provo would make everything better because I KNEW I was supposed to come to BYU.  I prayed about whether coming to BYU was the Lord's will for me.  I prayed about where I should move once I got here and what job I should accept.  I prayed for opportunities to date and make friends.  With all that praying, I just figured everything would work out just how I envisioned it, especially because I received some very direct guidance about where to move and work.  Well, when nothing happened the way I expected it to it became very easy to let doubt and discouragement color my attitude.  I fell into a dark place and I couldn't see any way to be happy because everything I wanted most eluded me.  And, if I'm being honest, there were times when I felt like there was no possible way to be happy with how things were going for me.  I thought that happiness could only come when I had the things I thought I needed.  And the more time that passed without those blessings, the more improbable the potential for happiness seemed to become.

Well, over the last three weeks, I've been happy.  So happy actually.  I'm still not dating.  I'm still trying to make friends.  Classes are still hard.  In fact, I've had some new and unwelcome struggles I have had to work through.  And while I still don't have everything I thought I needed to be happy, I have found happiness in the love I can feel from my Heavenly Father.  Suddenly, I began to see how the Lord has been with me every step of my journey, even when I couldn't see it.  And that, in and of itself is reason to be happy.

The second thing I have learned about happiness is closely tied to the first.  Enjoying happiness in the moment is not settling.  For a long time now, I have put off happiness and felt like I had to hold on to my misery and pain because I things weren't going my way yet.  In some skewed way, I believed that if I allowed myself to be happy, it would mean I was settling for less than what I desired.  That idea actually sounds silly now that I am writing it down, but I truly believed it for a long time.  Just because I am happy right now does not mean that I have given up on the blessings I long for.  In a way, I think allowing ourselves to be happy when it's hardest to find reasons to is an incredible way to show gratitude for all of the blessings our Heavenly Father has given us.  I was taught something on my mission that I will never forget.  I learned that it is possible to be happy without being satisfied.  When we are happy we acknowledge the good in our lives, but we should be seeking for more than being satisfied.  Satisfaction can be so finite.  Satisfaction often leads to stagnation.  So, by all means, be happy!  Happiness is not stagnation or settling!  Happiness has the power to help us move forward, to take the steps necessary to attain and become more!

While allowing ourselves to be happy now is not settling for less than we desire, it is also important to remember that there really is no golden ticket to happiness!  The first time I heard this idea was in President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk in October 2011, entitled "Forget Me Not."  In this talk, President Uchtodorf related the story of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  All of the people in the story were so fixated on finding the golden ticket, that they forgot to enjoy the chocolate that they used to love.  Instead of treasuring the delicious treats they had in their hands, they were filled with disappointment and frustration every time they opened a chocolate bar and did not find a golden ticket.  Instead of finding joy in the moment, they began to believe that they could only be happy once they had a golden ticket in hand.  For a long time, that is exactly what I did.  I had my list of my own personal "golden tickets" and I believed that I could truly be happy only when I had received those things I desired.  Boy was I wrong.  This life is a journey.  It is going to be full of ups and downs, but if we are determined to only be happy in the up moments or when we receive our "golden ticket," we are waiting so much.  Which actually leads me to the next thing I have learned about happiness.

Happiness is a choice, but it is also a journey.  I have heard all my life that happiness is a choice; you have to choose to be happy and you will be.  I have never subscribed to that idea.  In my mind, that sentiment makes me think of a light-switch and I have always felt that I can't just switch happiness on and off like a light-switch.  Some people can, but that scenario has not been my experience.  Instead, I have always seen happiness as a quest.  Something to seek in our journey through life.  Lately, my perspective has changed and rather than seeing happiness as either a choice or a quest, I have realized it is a little bit of both.  I don't think we will always be able to see reasons to be happy right off the bat, but when we choose to seek happiness on our journey through life, we will find it.  Maybe we will find it as we receive our golden tickets, but more likely we will find it in the day to day moments.  In the sunset, painted in the sky just for you or in the accomplishments of someone you love.  Maybe you will find it in a smile from a stranger or an opportunity that arises to serve someone else.  Maybe you will find it in the most unlikely places, but I guarantee that when you have made the choice to look for it, you will find it.  Happiness is an emotion but I believe it is also an action.

Perhaps the most important thing I have learned about happiness is that our Heavenly Father really does desire our happiness and He absolutely has a plan for each of us that is tailored to bring us optimal happiness!  It hurts my heart to think that I ever doubted Him, but it brings me incredible joy to realize that He never doubted me.  I think that sometimes, we think we've hit our breaking point before we actually do.  We often under estimate ourselves, but because God is more than an omnipotent overseer...because He is truly our Father, He knows what we can do and at the times when we feel like we're falling, He helps us soar.  Trials are an inevitable part of our mortal existence.  We won't make it through this life unaltered by pain and hardship.  It's simply not possible, but the trials we face are meant for our good.  We learn things we may not have learned otherwise.  We are prepared for so much more than we can ever imagine.  Our lives are not unguided.  He knows what we need to experience in order to attain eternal happiness with Him, but our eternal happiness is not His only concern.  He wants us to find joy and happiness in this journey.  He wants us to feel loved.  He wants us to succeed.  And so, I've learned (and am continuing to learn) that when we feel most alone in the world, He is always there.  Sometimes, we can't see His hand.  Sometimes, we can't hear His voice.  Sometimes, we just don't see the whole picture.  Even in our darkest moments, He is there, often carrying us.  In the moments when we can't seem to find a reason to hope for something better it is easiest to give up, but when we choose not to quit and to take one more step then we ever thought was possible, we will always see that the Lord has been there and is guiding us.  That is happiness to me.  When we learn to see him guiding us with infinite and eternal love and compassion.

Life is not perfect, but it is meant to be enjoyed.  This life is hard and it is scary, but it is also beautiful.  Happiness is real and it is attainable.  I am grateful for the things I have learned about happiness and am looking forward to continue finding joy in this journey.  I have been amazed at how happy I have been  lately.  I am under no illusions that life will not continue to be hard, but the things I am learning now are preparing me to become the daughter I want to be.  If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me.  I know I am long-winded, but I wanted to share these things because they have helped me so much and I felt like I really needed to share these lessons.  So, thank you for reading and thank you for being you!

Oh!  I almost forgot one last thing I've learned.  Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy shoes...and shoes...shoes make me happy!