Focusing on the joy in the journey, that's why I started this blog.  The last couple days have been hard.  I have felt a lot of the frustration and anxiety and fear that I have been trying to get out of my life and I have had a hard time figuring out why I was all of a sudden overwhelmed by these feelings again, when I had had a really great week.  And I think I've figured it out.

I had this brilliant plan to control the controllables and change my attitude.  I had planned to keep a positive perspective and look for the great things in my life, but in making this new goal, I forgot to consider how I would respond to the things I have no power to control.  Instead of resolving to continually seek joy, I resolved to become a control freak.  I tried to control the uncontrollables and then, when I came up unsuccessful there, I allowed myself to lose the positive perspective and peace I had gained.  I was on the right track, but I missed some of the follow through.

But, as hard as these last couple of days have been, I think I am grateful for them, because they have helped me to realize that I still have a lot to learn.  Early last week, when I made the decision to make these changes, I felt such peace.  I was happy and excited and that was a great feeling.  After five days of feeling good about life, I let Satan start whispering to me that it couldn't possibly last.  And I let myself start giving into those lies.  One thing I have realized, is that anytime we are trying to make a positive change in our lives, Satan is going to be there, trying to pull us down.  Opposition is part of life and knowing that, should help me to prepare myself better.

That makes me think of a learning experience I had on my mission.  I was companions with Sister Baggett and she had been reading in Alma, in the war chapters and she shared something with me that she learned in her personal study.  It comes from Alma 49.  In this chapter, the Lamanites are getting ready to attack the Nephites.  It says in verse 6, that the Lamanites had great numbers in their armies and they had prepared themselves for battle with shields and breastplates and think clothing to protect their skin and because of their preparations, they thought they would easily be able to defeat the Nephite cities and bring them into bondage.  It's interesting to note here, that the Lamanites had not always prepared themselves for battle like this.  They used to show up to war in nothing more than loinclothes, but they learned from the Nephites, that there was more they could do to prepare.  So, while the Lamanites are preparing themselves in the way they had seen the Nephites prepare before, the Nephites are preparing in a far greater way and when the Lamanites approached the first city, it says in verse 8, "But behold, to their uttermost astonishment, they wereprepared for them, in a manner which never had been known among the children of Lehi. Now they were prepared for the Lamanites, to battle after the manner of the instructions of Moroni."  Then it goes on to say that the Lamanites were "exceedingly astonished" so they decided to skip attacking that city and move on to the city of Noah, which had been known to be a weak city and they thought it was the next best place to attack.  And the Lamanites, before they left the first city were so angry that they declared an oath that they would destroy the city of Noah.  But little did they know all the preparations the Nephites had been making.  As the Lamanites started to attack the city of Noah, they couldn't even get into it, but since they had sworn an oath to destory it, they tried anyways.  And what happens next, I think is very profound.  Listen to what happens in verses 18-23:

 18 Now behold, the Lamanites could not get into their forts of security by any other way save by the entrance, because of the highness of the bank which had been thrown up, and the depth of the ditch which had been dug round about, save it were by the entrance.

 19 And thus were the Nephites prepared to destroy all such as should attempt to climb up to enter the fort by any other way, by casting over stones and arrows at them.

 20 Thus they were prepared, yea, a body of their strongest men, with their swords and their slings, to smite down all who should attempt to come into their place of security by the place of entrance; and thus were they prepared to defend themselves against the Lamanites.

 21 And it came to pass that the captains of the Lamanites brought up their armies before the place of entrance, and began to contend with the Nephites, to get into their place of security; but behold, they were driven back from time to time, insomuch that they were slain with an immense slaughter.

 22 Now when they found that they could not obtain power over the Nephites by the pass, they began to dig down their banks of earth that they might obtain a pass to their armies, that they might have an equal chance to fight; but behold, in these attempts they were swept off by the stones and arrows which were thrown at them; and instead of filling up their ditches by pulling down the banks of earth, they were filled up in a measure with their dead and wounded bodies.

 23 Thus the Nephites had all power over their enemies; and thus the Lamanites did attempt to destroy the Nephites until their chief captains were all slain; yea, and more than a thousand of the Lamanites were slain; while, on the other hand, there was not a single soul of the Nephites which was slain.

The Nephites, now they were prepared.  They did everything they could to prepare their city for attack.  They put up walls of eartth and dug ditches and fortified the weakest places in their city so that those places became strong.  And what did their preparations do?  It forced the Lamanites to attack only at the entrance of the city, where they just happened to put their strongest, most capable men.  And what happened to the Lamanites?  They failed!  Many of their men and all of their captains were killed.  But the Nephites were protected and none were killed.

Now, this is what Sister Baggett realized and helped me to learn from this story.  Satan wants to attack us and ultimately destory us.  He knows our weaknesses.  In fact, he knows our strengths too.  Like the Lamanites, He sees our strengths (armor and sheilds) and he tries to use them against us.  And those weaknesses, He thinks those are pretty easy targets, so that's where he likes to focus his attacks.  But, what happens, if we fortify ourselves?  What happens if we are continually consulting with the Lord on ways we can make our weaknesses strong?  What happens if we are fortifying our Spirits by being in the scriptures daily?  What happens if we are repenting and trying to change each day?  What happens then?  Then we are prepared, like the Nephites were prepared.  Then, Satan will have no choice but to attack us at our entrances and when he gets there, we'll be prepared.

Does that mean once we're prepared, the battles ahead will be easy?  No.  Does it mean that we won't get tired of Satan's attacks?  No.  Does it mean we won't have a really hard day every once in a while?  No.  Does it mean that once we are fortified and strong we can take a break?  No.  But it does mean that we will survive.  It does mean that we will be able to find peace in our Savior.  It does mean that we will be stronger.  It does mean that we, with the Lord's help, can win this battle with Satan.  And that gives me hope.

Life right now is hard.  It's hard for all of us.  But, for me, remembering this story from the Book of Mormon makes me realize that there is so much to fight for.  I might have fears and trials now, but they're all worth the fight.  This life, while full of hard things, is meant to prepare us to receive all the blessings of our Father in Heaven.  There will be good days and there will be bad days, but everything we are learning now, is preparing us for something more.