I don't think a single day has passed since I've been home that I haven't thought about my mission. I miss it every day, but some days I miss it more than others. Yesterday was one of those days.
While I was at work, I saw someone that looked like someone I knew in Arizona and I just thought to myself, "Man if that were really them, I would just love to hug them and talk to them, oh that would just make my whole day!" And then, I realized, that of course it wasn't anyone I knew and my heart just sank as tears started to well up in my eyes and this severe longing for my mission (and everything about it) started inside my chest.
And while this did make me feel very sad, it also reminded me of just how incredibly grateful I am for the opportunity I had to serve a mission and for all the things I learned and especially for all the incredible people I got to meet and know and love. I am grateful for the impact that each and every person had on me and I know that knowing them has changed me for the better.
I often think about the attitude I had about serving a mission for most of my life. I was the girl who said, "No way, no how! I will never serve a mission." And for years, every time someone suggested I serve a mission, I would repeat that mantra. But then, in the quiet times I had to think and pray, I would often, break down in tears and tell The Lord that I would serve a mission, if it was His will, but He would have to change my heart.
And almost imperceptibly, over time, He did change my heart, until all of a sudden I truly wanted to serve.
I think about how patient The Lord was with me over all the years I spent telling him no and putting what I wanted first. So many times, He could have given up on me, but He never did. And that is continually amazing to me. I often think about how different my life would be, how different I would be, of somewhere down the line, He had given up on me. And then, my gratitude for the love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior is renewed.
I often have occasion to consider how this experience, of seeing the Lord's patience with me and my stubbornness, can apply in other aspects of my life and I realize that in order to find true and lasting happiness, I need to learn to align my will with the Lord's. I need to learn to accept the Lord's will and His timing. I need to learn to trust Him, in all ways and in all things.
There is so much in life, that I long for. I want so badly to find my eternal companion, to fall absolutely in live with him, to be sealed in the temple for time and all eternity, to experience the struggles of newly weds, to start our own family, and continue to learn and grow together. I know these are righteous desires and I want these things so badly it hurts, but, for some reason, that I do not yet understand, The Lord continues to tell me, not yet.
I realize that as I learn to trust The Lord more, I will also learn to trust His timing. I will be able to let go of the fear and replace it with hope. I've realized that true happiness requires true faith. True trust.
Realizing these things gives me direction in the ways I need to grow. It doesn't make it any easier, but it reminds me of how much The Lord is still working to change. And better yet, it reminds me, that He still hasn't given up and He never will! He loves me, in spite of my weaknesses and imperfections, maybe even because of them.
I am grateful that even though my 18 months of service to The Lord is over, the learning is not. I continue to learn from my mission and I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that knew I needed these experiences and patiently prepared me for them.
