I have found that there will always be trials in our lives, no matter how hard we may try to be positive, or obedient, or faithful, trials are an unavoidable part of our lives. We agreed to come to this life, knowing that we would be tried and tempted, in fact we not only agreed to this, we rejoiced at the opportunity. Somehow, in the pre-mortal realm, we knew that all of this would be worth it and welcomed the opportunity to receive a physical body and prove ourselves before our Father in Heaven.
That being said, I have also found that I don't always react well to the trials that come into my life (and by "don't always" I really mean "hardly ever".) In the last couple of weeks I have felt like many of my character flaws have become glaringly evident and that I've been constantly reminded of them and I have allowed myself to despair over these weaknesses.
For instance, lately, many of my friends have said that I'm mean after a comment I have made in a joking way, or at least what I thought was a joking way. At the time, I didn't realize that they may have been joking as much as I was, I just felt like because it was being said often, it must be true. Usually, I just let stuff like that roll off my shoulders, but lately, it seems to be happening quiet frequently among a variety of friends and it has become a major concern to me because honestly, the last thing I really want to be is mean. I don't want to hurt my family and friends with the things I say or the way I say them. I knew I had control over these things and so I started making a concerted effort to change how I say things, but even with my best efforts, it didn't seem to make much difference. In fact, it seemed at the times I was most aware of it was the time I seemed to be the "meanest." And then, in an attempt to make it better, I would find myself retreating inside my own mind to try to figure out how to fix whatever I had said or done and in doing that I would convince myself that I couldn't be happy until I had fixed my mistake and "cured" my character flaws and imperfections and it was making me miserable. I know that it is essential that we put off the natural man and become like our Savior in this life and I allowed myself to get so caught up in trying to do that by myself, that I didn't allow the Atonement to guide this process. Yes, we are expected to change, but we are NOT expected to change on our own without any help.
Last Sunday, I was sitting in sacrament meeting, reading in Luke 22, where Christ institutes the Sacrament. In verse 33, Peter says, "Lord, I am ready to go with thee, both into prison, and to death." And that statement really got me thinking. What if Peter, had been allowed to make this sacrifice at this time? What would have happened to the ancient church? Knowing what we know now about all the good Peter did, it became immediately apparent to me, that however good intentioned that sacrifice would have been at that time, it would have been so very foolish. Then, I started thinking about President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk "Forget Me Not" from the October 2011 General Relief Society Meeting. In it, he talks about 5 truths that we must never forget. The second one he talks about it this: "Forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice." For Peter, He was asked to give his life as a sacrifice for the gospel's sake, but before he was asked to give his mortal life, he was asked to live for the gospel. His initial willingness to die with the Savior would have bee foolish, but his sacrifice to leave his fishing nets behind, to become a fisher of men, that, was a good sacrifice.
After thinking about this for a while, I started wondering how it applied to me. What was I supposed to learn from this experience? And then it hit me. I had been forgetting the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish one. My desire to change my nature was, and is, a righteous desire, but telling myself I didn't deserve to be happy until I had succeeded, was a very foolish sacrifice. I realized there is a better way to go about it. I realized, that its only through the Atonement of my Savior that I can change my nature and that means I can't do it without him. I realized that this life is about finding joy in the journey. I realized, that I can work on changing my nature and be happy in the process. I realized that sacrificing my happiness was a very foolish sacrifice, but sacrificing my pride would be a very good sacrifice. I realized that when I do or say something that was mean or hurtful, whether intentional or not, I could sacrifice my pride and acknowledge my mistake, apologize, and move forward. I don't have to stop and fall into a depression every time I make a mistake. All I have to do is acknowledge my mistake and move forward with a desire to change and make things right.
Going forward this past week, with a determination to sacrifice my pride, rather than my happiness has made all the difference. Did I still make mistakes? Absolutely! But, I recognized them, admitted them, apologized, and moved forward trying to change. This week, rather than seeing only sadness and discouragement, I saw happiness and hope. Rather than damaging my relationships, I strengthened them. It was a night and day difference and all because I learned not to forget the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish one.
So, whatever trials we are experiencing, whatever pains and burden we carry, I believe it is important to evaluate our sacrifices. Are our sacrifices allowing the Savior to lift and lighten our burdens, or are they staying His hand, as we cling to our burdens? My testimony of the atoning sacrifice of my Savior Jesus Christ, has been greatly strengthened this week. I know that because of the love of my Savior, I can change my very nature to become the daughter Father intends me to be. I know that change is real and within our reach as we draw nearer to our Savior. I know that the world would convince us that this life is full or reasons to despair, but our loving Father in Heaven would have us remember the reasons we have for hope and they are all rooted in our Savior.
I know trials will always come, but whatever the nature of our trial, we can receive strength and healing from our brother, Jesus Christ. I know that the Lord gives us weaknesses, so we will turn to him and when we humble ourselves, and turn to Him, He will help us make our weaknesses strong (Ether 12:27). I know now, that there are huge differences between good and foolish sacrifices, even if they may not seem apparent at first. And, I know, that "men are that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25).
