Of fears and validation...

This week, I was feeling more broken than I have ever felt before and in desperate need of healing. But I feared that I wouldn't be able to find the healing I was seeking because for months I have been experiencing heartbreak like I've never experienced before and although I had sought peace and intervention from Father in Heaven, I really hadn't been able to find it.  I felt like the heavens were remaining very silent.  I was feeling sorry for myself because of perceived injustices I had recently experienced.  And my heart was honestly broken from a rejection I had hoped wouldn't come.  In a desperate attempt to find some calm in my own personal storm, I came across an incredible talk by Elder Jeffery R. Holland called, "Broken Things to Mend", which managed to bring me peace beyond what I expected.  Speaking of the Savior's command to come, "follow me", Elder Holland said:

"It seems clear that the essence of our duty and the fundamental requirement of our mortal life is captured in these brief phrases from any number of scenes in the Savior’s mortal ministry. He is saying to us, 'Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going,' He says, 'we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness,' He promises. 'I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.'"

This touched my heart and awakened a realization that maybe the reason the heavens had seemed so silent recently was because I wasn't walking where my Savior was going.  I was holding onto what I wanted and thought was best for my life rather than allowing Christ to guide me down the path he desired for me.  I was kicking against the pricks rather than following him willingly.  This realization paired with the experienced I have been having over the last several months has led me to a desire to follow him in a way I never have before, while taking control of my life and seeking change that will help me become the best me I can be.  I want to share part of this journey with you in this post.

For those of you who know me well, you probably already know that I have always struggled with self-esteem issues and have most often defined my worth by how others view me.  I know I am not alone in this challenge, but I feel like there comes a point in our lives where we have to learn some really hard lessons that, while extremely painful, help us learn who we really are and what we are really worth.  It just so happens that my time to learn these lessons has spanned over the course of the last 10-12 months and while the painful experiences that are helping me to learn these lessons are not over, I am finally experiencing gratitude for them.

So, for those of you who don't know me as well, here's a little background information about me.  I'm 26 years-old.  I have always struggled with my weight.  I have never had a boyfriend or really even had any guys express interest in me beyond "just friends."  These things combined have almost always been my standard of defining my worth and to put it simply, it has NOT been a healthy way to gauge my value.  In my mind, me being overweight was the reason guys were never interested in me, and if no guys were ever interested in me, well, I must be pretty worthless.  And because of these feelings of worthlessness, I have always told myself that I couldn't do the things I really wanted to do because I wasn't talented enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't smart enough, or I wasn't thin enough.  I let my fears completely rule my life.

But last year a series of events began to unfold that would lead me to break down many of my own walls, which had been built and fortified over the years by self-hate and fear.  It has been an incredible journey, but it hasn't been without its casualties.  My heart has been broken, more than once, maybe even shattered.  I found myself, many times, experiencing internal agony, pain which nothing of this world could ease. But that pain only served to drive me into the arms of my Savior.  I found myself on my knees pleading that He take the pain away and I even found myself angry with him when no relief  seemed to come, frustrated and hopeless when the heavens seemed to remain silent, but I'm learning now, through the pain, that Christ was always there trying to comfort me, I just wasn't in a place where I could listen.

I believe it was around February of last year that I got this hair-brained idea that I wanted to run a 5K.  I decided that I didn't want to let my fears and poor body image keep me from doing exciting new things, like hiking with friends over the summer, and that running would be a good way to help change my body so I would feel comfortable doing those things. So, I started running 3 times a week with a couple of friends.  This was huge for me.  I was taking control of changing things about me that I didn't like so that I could become better. And I am pleased to say I did three 5K's last year.  I didn't run them in their entirety, but I improved every time I did one.  And, I got to go hiking and found a new love of the outdoors, so that brought huge strides of progress into my life.  But, while this was a time of great growth for me, it was still motivated by a need for external validation.

Then, several months ago I made some new friends.  I found myself wanting to push myself outside of my comfort zone to do things with them because I thought it would make them like me more.  In a lot of ways these were good experiences because they awakened within me a desire to stop allowing fear to control my life, but in some ways they weren't good because I wasn't changing me for the right reasons.  My biggest focus was still on what they would think of me rather than simply improving myself to become all that I could be.  Some of these experiences led me to experience very real and very painful heartbreak, while other experiences buoyed me up.  The sum total of these experiences though, led me to realize that I am a daughter of God, with incredible worth and I deserve to be loved and appreciated for who I am.  I realized that the only way anyone else can ever see my real worth is if I can see it, and the only way I can truly see my worth is through my Savior's eyes.  And that was huge for me.

 I realized that it doesn't matter that I'm 26 years old and guys have never been interested in me.  What matters is that my Father in Heaven knows and sees my worth.  What matters is that I use this life to become the best me I can be.  What matters is that I strive daily to develop my relationship with Father in Heaven and my Savior.  What matters is that I find joy in my journey and experience all that life has to offer.  And as I do these things and strive to develop and learn to love me, then regardless of my waist size or my relationship status, I will know my worth.  And that will change everything.

Now, this revelation would be pointless if I didn't back up my increased knowledge with action.  So, what am I doing now that I know I am a valued and beautiful and talented daughter of God?  I am rocking life!  I am focusing on improving my health (physical and mental) by taking care of my body.  I am counting calories and going to the gym 5-6 days a week.  Not because if I lose weight others will see me differently, but because as I lose weight I will gain confidence in the gifts and talents I have been given.  I am letting go of my inhibitions and doing the things I want to do.  I'm going on a road trip in February and a cruise in May.  Things I've wanted to do for a long time, but was too afraid to allow myself to do. I have a new and incredible hunger to try new things, which led me to take a skiing class this semester and an outdoor activity class next semester.  I am trying to improve my scripture studies and my prayers.  I am trying to get to know new people.  I am trying to become the best me I can be, while loving myself and appreciating my own worth now.

I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves me enough to allow me to experience pain when He knows it will help me to become all He sees I can be.  I am grateful that I am learning that the only validation that really matters in this life comes from a loving Father who wants us to see what He sees.  I am grateful that I am learning this now so I can help my future children to internalize these truths while they are young.  I am grateful for my Savior and for his sacrifices that I may experience real healing.  I am grateful for the love and support of family and friends who have seen my worth even when I can't and I am grateful for this life.

The Parable of the River

Ok, guys, since the last time I wrote SO much has changed!  Or, nothing has changed depending on your perspective.  Nothing about my situation has really changed.  School is still hard, work is the same, I'm still not dating anyone, and I am still 2,500 miles away from home.  But, here is the beautiful part.  I have changed.  I have been happier over the last two months than I have been since my mission.  It’s really pretty incredible!  My attitudes and perspectives have changed, my faith in the plan that Heavenly Father has for me has grown and I am happy. 

But, being happy doesn't mean that trials don’t still come.  Being happy doesn't mean that everything is all rainbows and sunshine all the time.  Last weekend and this weekend have presented new trials for me and I feared that the happiness I have been developing would shatter.  I've cried.  I've felt hurt.  I have felt lonely.  All of these things remind me of where I was only a few short months ago.  A place I never want to return to.  I feared that because I was experiencing trials again that meant my short tryst with happiness was gone.

Thankfully, I was wrong.

I went for a walk this afternoon, to clear my head and pray.  I ended up sitting on a rock by the Provo River.  The talk I had been listening to ended and I sat in silent prayer talking to my Heavenly Father.  I started to feel better and got up after a while to continue my walk and as I did, I watched the river and I saw it with new eyes.  The river taught me something today that I hadn't previously considered.  I call this lesson “The Parable of the River.”  I know the name isn't very original, but that’s ok.

As I sat on the rock looking out over the river, this is what I saw.  

I saw water rushing over lots of rocks.  The water was shallow here and there were many rocks in the path of the flowing water.  I was impressed that the water was moving so quickly over the turbulent surface.  As I moved further up the river, I noticed an area where there were no rocks.  The water flowed smoothly, unhindered by rocks or debris.  This is portion of the river, the water still moved swiftly, but nowhere near as quickly as it has been moving just a little ways down with all the rocks in the path.

I was impressed by the idea that the river flowed more swiftly over obstacles than it did when it’s path was unhindered.  I got thinking about the trials we all face in life and compared my life to that river.  In life, I think it is easy to want our trials to go away, to want our journey through life to be smooth and calm.  I’ve always thought I’d be happier if that was the case, but as I watched the river today, I realized that it is the rocks, or trials, we encounter that speed our progression.  Just like that river, if we go too long in life without facing a trial or two our forward progression will slow and eventually stop.  We will become stagnant and unable to become anymore than we currently are.  It is the trials in our life that give us forward momentum. 

I had always assumed that we were given breaks from trials, periods of calm and peace, to help us recover from the turbulence we face in the midst of hardship, trial, and learning processes, and in a way, I still think that is true, but I've also realized that we need breaks from the calm to begin to gain momentum in our progression again.

As I continued to walk along the river, I saw small areas where the flow of water was unhindered, but by and far, the majority of the river had to course over rocks and boulders.  As I continued along, I came to this:

Here, I saw the most turbulent water, but it was also the place where the water gained most of its power and momentum.  It gained the strength to move forward over calm and rocky spots alike.

Sometimes in life, we face major trials that rock our world.  Sometimes they make us question our testimonies.  Sometimes we feel so battered and broken afterwards that we can’t see a way to go on.  Thankfully, these types of trials are fewer and further between, but these trials are the ones that help us to grown and change the most, that prepare us for the pitfalls and stumbles and falls we will inevitably face.  These trials are the ones that push us through the calm phases of life that we love and need. 

The river taught me today that trials are necessary to continue to move forward.  If my happiness had not been tried these past couple of weekends, it would have died on its own.  It would have become stagnant and useless, but now because it has encountered a couple of rocks and bumps, it has gained momentum and I can continue to enjoy my happiness as I continue to learn and grow.

I know that trials aren't exactly fun, but they are necessary and because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ we have been given the tools we need to endure in happiness.  I know Jesus Christ lives and he is my personal Savior and friend.  I know that Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of my needs and desires and He has a plan that is centered on helping me to gain eternal happiness.  I know that God lives and He love me.  I see it is the river, in the mountains, in the trials, in my friends and family, and always in the sunsets.

Some Things I've Learned About the Elusive Thing Known as "Happiness"

Over the last several months I have struggled with absolutely everything.  I was miserable all the time.  I felt alone in a crowd.  Lost and confused all the time.  I felt like I had forgotten how to make friends.  I felt like I didn't know who I was.  I felt like I wasn't receiving answers to my prayers and worst of all, I was beginning to lose faith that my Heavenly Father had a plan for me.

The day I realized that my faith in Father's plan for me was wavering, I knew something had to change.  It terrified me to think that it was possible for me to doubt something so important to me and while I never doubted the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, I feared that letting any doubt fester could (and would) become catastrophic if I didn't do anything about it.   So, I began asking for help.  It wasn't hard, it wasn't scary.  It was just two small and simple steps.  I went to my Bishop to ask for council and I went to a professor for study tips.  Those two small acts of humility resulted in more change than I ever expected.  I feel like I have gained control over my life again, in some small part.  The changes I have experienced have not been earth shattering changes.  Not much about my situation has changed aside from the fact that I am happy! In just the last few weeks, I have learned a lot about happiness that I never really understood before.

First, it's OK to be happy even when things aren't going your way!  Over the last several months, I have felt like nothing was going the way I thought it should.  I had this vision in my mind of how things would change when I moved to Provo.  I would make all sorts of new friends, I would get back to school and I would love my classes.  I might even get to go on a few dates.  I thought moving to Provo would make everything better because I KNEW I was supposed to come to BYU.  I prayed about whether coming to BYU was the Lord's will for me.  I prayed about where I should move once I got here and what job I should accept.  I prayed for opportunities to date and make friends.  With all that praying, I just figured everything would work out just how I envisioned it, especially because I received some very direct guidance about where to move and work.  Well, when nothing happened the way I expected it to it became very easy to let doubt and discouragement color my attitude.  I fell into a dark place and I couldn't see any way to be happy because everything I wanted most eluded me.  And, if I'm being honest, there were times when I felt like there was no possible way to be happy with how things were going for me.  I thought that happiness could only come when I had the things I thought I needed.  And the more time that passed without those blessings, the more improbable the potential for happiness seemed to become.

Well, over the last three weeks, I've been happy.  So happy actually.  I'm still not dating.  I'm still trying to make friends.  Classes are still hard.  In fact, I've had some new and unwelcome struggles I have had to work through.  And while I still don't have everything I thought I needed to be happy, I have found happiness in the love I can feel from my Heavenly Father.  Suddenly, I began to see how the Lord has been with me every step of my journey, even when I couldn't see it.  And that, in and of itself is reason to be happy.

The second thing I have learned about happiness is closely tied to the first.  Enjoying happiness in the moment is not settling.  For a long time now, I have put off happiness and felt like I had to hold on to my misery and pain because I things weren't going my way yet.  In some skewed way, I believed that if I allowed myself to be happy, it would mean I was settling for less than what I desired.  That idea actually sounds silly now that I am writing it down, but I truly believed it for a long time.  Just because I am happy right now does not mean that I have given up on the blessings I long for.  In a way, I think allowing ourselves to be happy when it's hardest to find reasons to is an incredible way to show gratitude for all of the blessings our Heavenly Father has given us.  I was taught something on my mission that I will never forget.  I learned that it is possible to be happy without being satisfied.  When we are happy we acknowledge the good in our lives, but we should be seeking for more than being satisfied.  Satisfaction can be so finite.  Satisfaction often leads to stagnation.  So, by all means, be happy!  Happiness is not stagnation or settling!  Happiness has the power to help us move forward, to take the steps necessary to attain and become more!

While allowing ourselves to be happy now is not settling for less than we desire, it is also important to remember that there really is no golden ticket to happiness!  The first time I heard this idea was in President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk in October 2011, entitled "Forget Me Not."  In this talk, President Uchtodorf related the story of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  All of the people in the story were so fixated on finding the golden ticket, that they forgot to enjoy the chocolate that they used to love.  Instead of treasuring the delicious treats they had in their hands, they were filled with disappointment and frustration every time they opened a chocolate bar and did not find a golden ticket.  Instead of finding joy in the moment, they began to believe that they could only be happy once they had a golden ticket in hand.  For a long time, that is exactly what I did.  I had my list of my own personal "golden tickets" and I believed that I could truly be happy only when I had received those things I desired.  Boy was I wrong.  This life is a journey.  It is going to be full of ups and downs, but if we are determined to only be happy in the up moments or when we receive our "golden ticket," we are waiting so much.  Which actually leads me to the next thing I have learned about happiness.

Happiness is a choice, but it is also a journey.  I have heard all my life that happiness is a choice; you have to choose to be happy and you will be.  I have never subscribed to that idea.  In my mind, that sentiment makes me think of a light-switch and I have always felt that I can't just switch happiness on and off like a light-switch.  Some people can, but that scenario has not been my experience.  Instead, I have always seen happiness as a quest.  Something to seek in our journey through life.  Lately, my perspective has changed and rather than seeing happiness as either a choice or a quest, I have realized it is a little bit of both.  I don't think we will always be able to see reasons to be happy right off the bat, but when we choose to seek happiness on our journey through life, we will find it.  Maybe we will find it as we receive our golden tickets, but more likely we will find it in the day to day moments.  In the sunset, painted in the sky just for you or in the accomplishments of someone you love.  Maybe you will find it in a smile from a stranger or an opportunity that arises to serve someone else.  Maybe you will find it in the most unlikely places, but I guarantee that when you have made the choice to look for it, you will find it.  Happiness is an emotion but I believe it is also an action.

Perhaps the most important thing I have learned about happiness is that our Heavenly Father really does desire our happiness and He absolutely has a plan for each of us that is tailored to bring us optimal happiness!  It hurts my heart to think that I ever doubted Him, but it brings me incredible joy to realize that He never doubted me.  I think that sometimes, we think we've hit our breaking point before we actually do.  We often under estimate ourselves, but because God is more than an omnipotent overseer...because He is truly our Father, He knows what we can do and at the times when we feel like we're falling, He helps us soar.  Trials are an inevitable part of our mortal existence.  We won't make it through this life unaltered by pain and hardship.  It's simply not possible, but the trials we face are meant for our good.  We learn things we may not have learned otherwise.  We are prepared for so much more than we can ever imagine.  Our lives are not unguided.  He knows what we need to experience in order to attain eternal happiness with Him, but our eternal happiness is not His only concern.  He wants us to find joy and happiness in this journey.  He wants us to feel loved.  He wants us to succeed.  And so, I've learned (and am continuing to learn) that when we feel most alone in the world, He is always there.  Sometimes, we can't see His hand.  Sometimes, we can't hear His voice.  Sometimes, we just don't see the whole picture.  Even in our darkest moments, He is there, often carrying us.  In the moments when we can't seem to find a reason to hope for something better it is easiest to give up, but when we choose not to quit and to take one more step then we ever thought was possible, we will always see that the Lord has been there and is guiding us.  That is happiness to me.  When we learn to see him guiding us with infinite and eternal love and compassion.

Life is not perfect, but it is meant to be enjoyed.  This life is hard and it is scary, but it is also beautiful.  Happiness is real and it is attainable.  I am grateful for the things I have learned about happiness and am looking forward to continue finding joy in this journey.  I have been amazed at how happy I have been  lately.  I am under no illusions that life will not continue to be hard, but the things I am learning now are preparing me to become the daughter I want to be.  If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me.  I know I am long-winded, but I wanted to share these things because they have helped me so much and I felt like I really needed to share these lessons.  So, thank you for reading and thank you for being you!

Oh!  I almost forgot one last thing I've learned.  Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy shoes...and shoes...shoes make me happy!

He Gives Flowers to Everyone

I have started several blog posts in the last few months and none have them have made it to completion, which is a same.  Life has gotten so busy and I just haven't had time to post anything lately, but I felt like I needed to take a moment to share this tender mercy.

These past couple of weeks have been particularly busy and hard in their own way and it's been hard to see the light in all the darkness.  Last week and this week has been filled with midterms and papers and not a lot of time for much else.  I have felt very lost and very frustrated as I have struggled to complete all that is required of me.  I have had a couple of break downs where all I could think to do was just quit.  I've had a hard time finding peace and feeling like I really mattered.  I was again struggling with my fears of being alone and as hard as I was trying not to let that fear in, I couldn't seem to find relief.  And even though I knew Heavenly Father was aware of my struggles, I couldn't really feel that...til tonight.

I've already spent 3 hours studying in the library today (after finishing work and classes for the day) and I was heading back to the library to study some more.  I wasn't excited about it.  Anyways, I was walking from  my car to library and this guy walked up to me and said, "Excuse me..."  I responded, honestly expecting him to ask me where some obscure building was and I was prepared to tell him I had no clue where anything on campus was.  But, what he said next surprised me.  He said, "Do you want a flower?"  It took me completely off guard and all I could say was "Ummm, sure."  He handed me a pink carnation and he was gone.  I continued on my solitary walk to the library trying to figure out what that was all about.  But as I got to the table and started to unpack to study, I realized this experience reminded me of a song by Cherie Call called "He Gives Flowers to Everyone."  It's one of my favorites and has a special way of reminding me that Heavenly Father knows exactly how I'm feeling and loves me more than I can ever understand.  I want to share the lyrics with you.

She didn't try to catch the bouquet

She knows it's not her turn, and it's okay

Usually it doesn't even cross her mind

That's what she likes to tell her friends anyway

But she can finally say, maybe it was for the best

And there are lots of things she hasn't even missed

Now and then she starts to feel alone

But then she looks outside 

She knows she's got roses of her own

Cause He gives flowers to everyone

Not just the girlfriends or the brides

He sees the beauty deep inside

And He gives flowers to everyone

She hangs up the green satin dress

She laughs at how they're always out of style

It was just like all the others in the line

And when they asked her she told them 

She'd never been more fine

But still she wonders what it would be like

To talk to someone when she gets home late at night

Sometimes she likes to pray out loud

That's when she knows she's not the only girl alone in a crowd

Cause He gives flowers to everyone

Not just the clever or the elegant

Her cares will never be irrelevant to Him, 

He gives flowers to everyone

And when they're out of season, she has snow

And when she's in the desert where they hardly ever grow

He gives her diamonds in the midnight sky

Season after season, His love will never die

He gives flowers to everyone

Not just the mothers and the wives

He sees the beauty in our lives

And He gives flowers to everyone

I love the line in the chorus where it says, "Her cares will never be irrelevant to him," because it reminds that no matter what I'm going through, no matter how I may be hurting, no matter how alone I may feel, I always have someone to talk to, someone who cares, someone who loves me.  

I don't know if this "random guy" really knew why he was walking around campus giving people flowers, but I believe that He was an instrument in the Lord's hands in bringing me a tender mercy. I am grateful for him for that.  I am grateful for the tender reminder that Heavenly Father is aware of me, that I am not alone, or loved, because He loves me.  And I know He loves you.  This has reminded me, that when the world feels cold and dark, Father knows how to bring us beauty and light.  

Even when the world seems dark, our Father knows how to send us beauty and light.

It's been a while...but I've learned a lot.

I have found that there will always be trials in our lives, no matter how hard we may try to be positive, or obedient, or faithful, trials are an unavoidable part of our lives.  We agreed to come to this life, knowing that we would be tried and tempted, in fact we not only agreed to this, we rejoiced at the opportunity.  Somehow, in the pre-mortal realm, we knew that all of this would be worth it and welcomed the opportunity to receive a physical body and prove ourselves before our Father in Heaven.

That being said, I have also found that I don't always react well to the trials that come into my life (and by "don't always" I really mean "hardly ever".)  In the last couple of weeks I have felt like many of my character flaws have become glaringly evident and that I've been constantly reminded of them and I have allowed myself to despair over these weaknesses.

For instance, lately, many of my friends have said that I'm mean after a comment I have made in a joking way, or at least what I thought was a joking way.  At the time, I didn't realize that they may have been joking as much as I was, I just felt like because it was being said often, it must be true.  Usually, I just let stuff like that roll off my shoulders, but lately, it seems to be happening quiet frequently among a variety of friends and it has become a major concern to me because honestly, the last thing I really want to be is mean.  I don't want to hurt my family and friends with the things I say or the way I say them.  I knew I had control over these things and so I started making a concerted effort to change how I say things, but even with my best efforts, it didn't seem to make much difference.  In fact, it seemed at the times I was most aware of it was the time I seemed to be the "meanest."  And then, in an attempt to make it better, I would find myself retreating inside my own mind to try to figure out how to fix whatever I had said or done and in doing that I would convince myself that I couldn't be happy until I had fixed my mistake and "cured" my character flaws and imperfections and it was making me miserable.  I know that it is essential that we put off the natural man and become like our Savior in this life and I allowed myself to get so caught up in trying to do that by myself, that I didn't allow the Atonement to guide this process.  Yes, we are expected to change, but we are NOT expected to change on our own without any help.

Last Sunday, I was sitting in sacrament meeting, reading in Luke 22, where Christ institutes the Sacrament.  In verse 33, Peter says, "Lord, I am ready to go with thee, both into prison, and to death."  And that statement really got me thinking.  What if Peter, had been allowed to make this sacrifice at this time?  What would have happened to the ancient church?  Knowing what we know now about all the good Peter did, it became immediately apparent to me, that however good intentioned that sacrifice would have been at that time, it would have been so very foolish.  Then, I started thinking about President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk "Forget Me Not" from the October 2011 General Relief Society Meeting.  In it, he talks about 5 truths that we must never forget.  The second one he talks about it this: "Forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice."  For Peter, He was asked to give his life as a sacrifice for the gospel's sake, but before he was asked to give his mortal life, he was asked to live for the gospel.  His initial willingness to die with the Savior would have bee foolish, but his sacrifice to leave his fishing nets behind, to become a fisher of men, that, was a good sacrifice.

After thinking about this for a while, I started wondering how it applied to me.  What was I supposed to learn from this experience?  And then it hit me.  I had been forgetting the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish one.  My desire to change my nature was, and is, a righteous desire, but telling myself I didn't deserve to be happy until I had succeeded, was a very foolish sacrifice.  I realized there is a better way to go about it.  I realized, that its only through the Atonement of my Savior that I can change my nature and that means I can't do it without him.  I realized that this life is about finding joy in the journey.  I realized, that I can work on changing my nature and be happy in the process.  I realized that sacrificing my happiness was a very foolish sacrifice, but sacrificing my pride would be a very good sacrifice.  I realized that when I do or say something that was mean or hurtful, whether intentional or not, I could sacrifice my pride and acknowledge my mistake, apologize, and move forward.  I don't have to stop and fall into a depression every time I make a mistake.  All I have to do is acknowledge my mistake and move forward with a desire to change and make things right.

Going forward this past week, with a determination to sacrifice my pride, rather than my happiness has made all the difference.  Did I still make mistakes?  Absolutely!  But, I recognized them, admitted them, apologized, and moved forward trying to change.  This week, rather than seeing only sadness and discouragement, I saw happiness and hope.  Rather than damaging my relationships, I strengthened them.  It was a night and day difference and all because I learned not to forget the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish one.

So, whatever trials we are experiencing, whatever pains and burden we carry, I believe it is important to evaluate our sacrifices.  Are our sacrifices allowing the Savior to lift and lighten our burdens, or are they staying His hand, as we cling to our burdens?  My testimony  of the atoning sacrifice of my Savior Jesus Christ, has been greatly strengthened this week.  I know that because of the love of my Savior, I can change my very nature to become the daughter Father intends me to be.  I know that change is real and within our reach as we draw nearer to our Savior.  I know that the world would convince us that this life is full or reasons to despair, but our loving Father in Heaven would have us remember the reasons we have for hope and they are all rooted in our Savior.

I know trials will always come, but whatever the nature of our trial, we can receive strength and healing from our brother, Jesus Christ.  I know that the Lord gives us weaknesses, so we will turn to him and when we humble ourselves, and turn to Him, He will help us make our weaknesses strong (Ether 12:27).  I know now, that there are huge differences between good and foolish sacrifices, even if they may not seem apparent at first.  And, I know, that "men are that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25).

This is what happiness tastes like...

Ok, so this blog is about seeking happiness, right?  Well, I like to think that happiness can be found with any of our five senses.  Sight, smell, touch, hearing, and even taste.  So, I think something I want to try is to do a post on each of the senses and how those things make me happy.  We'll see how it goes, but I want to start with happiness in the form of taste!

Aaron Tveit as Enjolras

I found this recipe a few months ago and I was dying to try it and last night, a couple of friends and I got together to watch the series premier of "Graceland" and make this drink! Let me tell you, it was well worth the wait (for the drink and the show!)

Ok, I have to go on a brief tangent...Graceland is a new show on USA about a bunch of undercover agents from different government agencies that all live together and it looks like it's going to be really good, but what got me interested in the first place is that it stars Aaron Tveit!  I fell in fan girl love with him when he played the role of Enjolras in the Les Mis movie and since I saw the first commercial for Graceland I was super excited to see it.  So...back to the drink...

Just look at this!  Try to tell me it doesn't look like happiness in a cup!

I have always been a fan of non-alcoholic mixed drinks, especially strawberry daiquiris and pina coladas, but this drink, THIS drink, takes the cake!  It's the best of both worlds and really, words can't describe how happy this made my taste buds!  And the best part about it, is that the pina colada mix that the recipe teaches you how to make is only about 500% better than any store bought mix I've ever tried!  So, I will give you three simple words of advice that could quiet possibly change your life and those word are as follows:  TRY. THIS. NOW.  I promise you, you will not regret it!

http://www.melskitchencafe.com/2012/06/lava-flow-drink-non-alcoholic.html

Lessons learned in the mission are lessons learned for life...

I don't think a single day has passed since I've been home that I haven't thought about my mission. I miss it every day, but some days I miss it more than others. Yesterday was one of those days.

While I was at work, I saw someone that looked like someone I knew in Arizona and I just thought to myself, "Man if that were really them, I would just love to hug them and talk to them, oh that would just make my whole day!" And then, I realized, that of course it wasn't anyone I knew and my heart just sank as tears started to well up in my eyes and this severe longing for my mission (and everything about it) started inside my chest.

And while this did make me feel very sad, it also reminded me of just how incredibly grateful I am for the opportunity I had to serve a mission and for all the things I learned and especially for all the incredible people I got to meet and know and love. I am grateful for the impact that each and every person had on me and I know that knowing them has changed me for the better. 

I often think about the attitude I had about serving a mission for most of my life. I was the girl who said, "No way, no how! I will never serve a mission." And for years, every time someone suggested I serve a mission, I would repeat that mantra.  But then, in the quiet times I had to think and pray, I would often, break down in tears and tell The Lord that I would serve a mission, if it was His will, but He would have to change my heart. 

And almost imperceptibly, over time, He did change my heart, until all of a sudden I truly wanted to serve.

I think about how patient The Lord was with me over all the years I spent telling him no and putting what I wanted first.  So many times, He could have given up on me, but He never did. And that is continually amazing to me.  I often think about how different my life would be, how different I would be, of somewhere down the line, He had given up on me.  And then, my gratitude for the love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior is renewed.

I often have occasion to consider how this experience, of seeing the Lord's patience with me and my stubbornness, can apply in other aspects of my life and I realize that in order to find true and lasting happiness, I need to learn to align my will with the Lord's. I need to learn to accept the Lord's will and His timing. I need to learn to trust Him, in all ways and in all things.

There is so much in life, that I long for.  I want so badly to find my eternal companion, to fall absolutely in live with him, to be sealed in the temple for time and all eternity, to experience the struggles of newly weds, to start our own family, and continue to learn and grow together.  I know these are righteous desires and I want these things so badly it hurts, but, for some reason, that I do not yet understand, The Lord continues to tell me, not yet.

I realize that as I learn to trust The Lord more, I will also learn to trust His timing. I will be able to let go of the fear and replace it with hope. I've realized that true happiness requires true faith. True trust.

Realizing these things gives me direction in the ways I need to grow. It doesn't make it any easier, but it reminds me of how much The Lord is still working to change. And better yet, it reminds me, that He still hasn't given up and He never will!  He loves me, in spite of my weaknesses and imperfections, maybe even because of them. 

I am grateful that even though my 18 months of service to The Lord is over, the learning is not. I continue to learn from my mission and I am so grateful for  a loving Heavenly Father that knew I needed these experiences and patiently prepared me for them.